It Won't Come Easily
by psych21
Summary: AU COMPLETED After the Valentine's Day attack, Carter developed a drug addiction and started a relationship with Lucy. The drug addiction ruins his relationship with Lucy. After coming back from rehab, he tries to make amends. But amends won't come easily with wounds that deep...
1. Chapter 1

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter One

"So, you are finally getting out of here today. How does it feel?" Dr. Mickelson asked Carter in their final session together.

"Good." Carter nodded. "I think…no I know I am ready. But I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous too."

"Let's discuss it then. Where does the nervousness come from?"

"You know I wasn't exactly pleasant to the people who staged the intervention."

"Yes. " Dr. Mickelson nodded. "We have talked about that."

"Well I hurt a lot of them. I hurt Lucy most of all. I'm nervous that they will judge me now." Carter explained.

"All you can do is be honest with them." Dr. Mickelson counseled. "Addiction is a disease and they are doctors. They understand this and I'm sure they won't judge you."

"I guess I'm mostly nervous that Lucy won't forgive me." Carter admitted.

"You've talked about Lucy a lot these past three months. She is clearly important to you."

"Yeah." Carter nodded. "She's the most important person in the world to me. And I really hurt her." He could still remember the pained look on her face and the tears that streamed down her face when he last saw her. It was an image that haunted him.

Being in rehab meant that he couldn't have contact with people from the outside world for three months. So for the past three months he had been wondering how she was doing, what she was doing and if she was still mad at him. He deserved her anger. He destroyed her and their relationship with just a few simple but cruel words and an accidental punch to the face.

He wasn't optimistic that they would work through it. She would have to either be crazy or in love with him in order to give him a second chance. But God, he wanted to try and hoped she would let him try to make it up to her.

He saw now just what his addiction had done to him and his life. He let his physical pain take precedence over everything and control him. But not anymore.

Although he resisted it, and told everyone the first few days that he didn't truly need to be here, rehab was the best thing that happened to him. He had a clear mind now and strategies for dealing with any possible relapses he might have in the future.

"It's very clear to me that you love Lucy." Dr. Mickelson said, pulling Carter out of his thoughts.

"I do." Carter nodded. "Very much so."

"Let me caution you though. I've seen many people come through here, complete rehab and seem to have a good grasp on their addictions, only to go back to their everyday life and find themselves substituting one addiction for another."

Dr. Mickelson sighed. "For some it is cigarettes. Others it is food. Then there are some who replace their addiction for drugs with an addiction to love."

"What does that mean?" Carter asked.

"Don't let your love for Lucy be the thing that you count on to get you through your recovery. In fact, don't let your live of anything or anyone other than yourself be the thing that you relay on to get you through this. You can only truly count on yourself. I know it sounds like a jaded viewpoint, but in this instance it is the truth."

"So what are you saying? I shouldn't try to get back together with Lucy?" He was confused now more than ever.

"I'm not saying that." Dr. Mickelson replied. "Normally after going through rehab we ask you don't start any new relationships for a year. But you and Lucy were already in a relationship so it gets tricky. All I'm saying is don't try to move too fast. Take things slowly and don't develop a dependence on her like you did drugs."

"I guess that makes sense." Carter nodded.

"I am proud of the work you did here, Dr. Carter." He smiled. "I think as long as you remember and practice what you have learned here, you will be able to continue living a sober life."

"Thank you Dr. Mickelson." Carter smiled back. "Really. Thank you for everything."

* * *

Carter stood in front of the ER entrance, nervous about going back in. His mind wandered to the night of his intervention.

 _Carter watched as Kerry came up to him._

" _Carter!" She greeted. "Do you have a minute?"_

" _No." He shook his head. "I'm finally done with these charts. So if you guys don't want me to see any patients today I'm going to go home."_

" _Not yet." She told him. "I need to talk to you."_

 _He sighed. "Is this my suspension?"_

" _Not here." She told him. "Come with me."_

 _He sighed again but followed her into an exam room. Inside were Mark, Peter, Dr. Anspaugh and Lucy. She was standing towards the back, behind Mark. He laughed. "Oh God. Really? C'mon. What is this? Give me a break." He grabbed the door to leave, but Kerry stood in front of it._

" _Carter. Just listen." Mark said._

" _No." He shook his head. "I told you that I am on painkillers for my back, but they are prescribed to me and I am a functional."_

" _Dr. Carter, you would be wise to be quiet and listen." Dr. Anspaugh commanded._

" _My van is parked outside." Mark started. "We have a ticket to Atlanta. There is a drug rehab there that specializes in treating doctors with addictions."_

" _Well that's great for them but like I've said many times today I'm on prescribed painkillers and that doesn't make me an addict. I think you all know it." He moved for the door again, only to still be blocked by Kerry. "Let me out of here."_

" _I'm not finished Carter!" Mark yelled. "It's apparent to all of us that you have a drug problem. Therefore we cannot continue to allow you to continue to work here or anywhere else as a physician. So you have two choices…get in the van, go to the airport…check yourself in…and when you come back, we will support you in any way that we can."_

" _Or what?" Carter scoffed. "I'm fired? You'll fire me?"_

" _Yeah." Mark nodded._

" _Everyone in this room cares about you." Dr. Anspaugh chimed in. "No one is judging you."_

" _Yes you are." Carter argued. "You've already judged me and think I'm an addict. You have no idea what I've been through these last eight months but I've been here. I've shown up. I haven't made excuses. I haven't complained. I haven't asked for special treatment."_

" _That's not the point." Kerry said._

" _No, that is exactly the point!" Carter yelled. "None of you know what it was like."_

 _Lucy scoffed._

 _He turned to her. "What?"_

" _I know I don't have exactly the same experience as you, but you don't think I know what it was like? You weren't the only one attacked that night." She argued. "You could have talked to me."_

" _You didn't want to talk about it." He scoffed. "You tried to change the subject all the time."_

" _Still…" She started to say before being cut off._

" _Besides that, I was the only one who almost died, all because my med student was too stupid and couldn't handle her patient!" Carter yelled. "And now for some reason you're lying to everyone about me. Why do you feel the need to keep ruining my life? Almost getting me killed wasn't enough? Now you have to try and get me fired? We're done. Alright? Our relationship is officially over now Lucy."_

 _He could see Lucy's eyes water, but she looked like she was trying to hold it in._

" _Hey." Mark stepped in. "That's completely uncalled for."_

" _John, you've demonstrated compulsive, drug-seeking behavior." Kerry stated._

" _When?" He asked, clasping his hands together. "Just tell me when."_

" _You know, I think mainlining fentanyl in the trauma room qualifies." Kerry explained._

" _Well I told you I didn't do that. You want to call me a liar, fine. Call me a liar. But I didn't do that." He said._

" _I saw you do it." Lucy chimed in._

" _I don't know what you think you saw." He moved in closer to Lucy. "But I didn't do it."_

" _Ok." Kerry conceded. "Show us your wrists."_

" _What?" He chuckled._

" _Show us your wrists!" Kerry commanded, this time louder._

" _Are you looking for track marks?" Carter laughed. "Because this is ridiculous."_

" _Yeah." Kerry nodded. "We are."_

 _He held out his wrists. "Well there. See?" He then took off his coat. "Here. Do you want me to roll up my sleeves?"_

" _Take off your watch." Kerry ordered._

 _Carter stopped. "Uh, you know what? Forget it. Forget it. This is a witch hunt and you guys will never be satisfied until you banish me to some faraway rehab place. I don't need this."_

" _This is your only chance Carter."_

" _Fine. I quit." Carter said, rolling his coat in a ball and throwing it at Mark. He then left out of the door on the other side of the room. He got to the lounge and opened up his locker._

" _What the hell are you doing?" Lucy practically screamed as she got into the lounge._

" _I'm quitting." He replied, not turning to look at her._

" _John, please don't do this." She pleaded, her voice softer now. "You love being a doctor. It's who you are."_

" _I don't need this." He said, putting on his coat. "In fact, I have never needed this. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, but I don't need their damn job."_

" _You don't want to do this." She said._

" _I'm not doing anything." He replied, finally looking at her. "You did this by spreading lies about me."_

" _I wish it was a lie. But I know what I saw." Lucy told him. She came over and tried to wrap her arms around him but he pushed her away. "Please. Let's just go somewhere and talk this through."_

" _I have nothing to say to you anymore!" He yelled, leaving the lounge and heading for the exit. "Just leave me the hell alone Lucy! Just because we've been sleeping together doesn't mean I care about you. You were just someone to pass the time with. You don't mean anything to me."_

" _I can't leave you alone!" Lucy yelled, following after him. "So what is your big plan then? Are you just going to give up on being a doctor after all the hard work and time you've spent getting to this point? You are a great doctor and you're just willing to throw it all away?"_

" _You don't understand!" Carter yelled, walking towards the street._

" _Then talk to me! Make me understand!" Lucy yelled back. "I want so badly to understand. Just please don't shut me out like this."_

 _He turned around, thinking maybe he would explain it to her. But then he saw Peter walking up. "Oh great. Now it's another, smaller intervention."_

" _Look man, you're getting in that van." Peter told him as he stood next to Lucy._

 _Carter scoffed. "Like hell I am."_

" _You're not going to do this." Peter stated._

" _It's unbelievable that Lucy lies and makes everyone believe that I'm some kind of junkie and you actually believe them. You come down and help them ambush me." Carter scoffed again. "What the hell man? I thought we were friends."_

" _We are friends, Carter. That's why I'm here." Peter stated. "But you are out of control. If you can't see that, then I don't care but either way you are getting in that van."_

" _No."_

" _Get in the van." Peter commanded._

" _I said no." Carter said. "It's a free country and I'm not going. The only place I'm going is home."_

" _Where does it end, man, huh?" Peter asked. "This week is fentanyl, next week you end up dead. Or worse, you end up like you cousin, some babbling gork in a nursing home…"_

 _He couldn't take it anymore. All he saw was red when Peter mentioned Chase. He immediately brought his fist up and tried to take a swing a Peter._

" _That's enough!" Lucy said, getting in between them._

 _Unfortunately he couldn't stop his fist in time and he ended up punching Lucy in the eye, causing her to fall back into Peter._

 _She whimpered, breathing heavily as she cradled the left side of her head in her hand._

 _Carter watched as Peter steadied Lucy on her feet and took a look at her eye._

" _Are you ok?" Peter asked her._

" _Yeah." Lucy whispered, starting to cry._

 _Carter couldn't help it. He started to cry too. He didn't mean to hurt her. "Luce…I…Shit…"_

" _Ok. Now you are definitely getting your ass in that van, even if I have to bungee cord your ass to the roof." Peter told him._

" _Please John?" Lucy pleaded through tears._

 _He looked over at Lucy. He had never seen her look so distraught and sad. But he did that to her. There was no going back from this. Peter was right. He was out of control He didn't say anything, just nodded a few times._

" _C'mon man." Peter ushered him to the van and helped him get in the passenger seat._

 _Carter stared out the window, making eye contact with Lucy for as long as he could before Peter pulled away from the curb. Then he closed his eyes and wished the ground would swallow him._

The flight to Atlanta and the drive to the rehab facility were quiet. It wasn't until he was handed the paperwork that he realized it was a three month program. He wasn't happy about that and made his displeasure known loudly. But he worked the program and got through it. He was stronger now.

He went into the hospital, making his way to the office where he was going to meet with Kerry and Mark. He got there too early though and had to wait in the waiting room. Mark had said that night that they would support him however they could if he completed the rehab program, but now that he was here he wondered if they would let him come back or not.

A moment later, he heard two familiar voices.

"So the mastectomy is scheduled for 9, and then the gastric bypass is at 1:30 and the thyroidectomy is at 5." Lucy told Peter as they walked together.

"Doesn't leave a lot of time in between." Peter laughed.

"Yeah, but what else is new?" Lucy laughed.

"At least Elizabeth is covering the ER today." He said.

"True." She agreed. "Small blessings!"

Carter watched them walking and talking together, noticing how they seemed to be in-sync with each other. They weren't close before. That must have happened in the past three months. He debated whether or not to make his presence known but was discovered by Peter before he could make up his mind.

"Carter!" Peter greeted, walking over to where he was sitting.

Carter got up. "Hey."

"It's nice to see you back." Peter said.

"Well I'm not officially back yet. That decision is up to Kerry and Mark." Carter explained. He noticed that Lucy didn't walk over with Peter. She seemed to be eager to look at anything but him.

"You're looking good." Peter said.

"Well that's not hard considering how horrible I looked the last time you saw me." Carter awkwardly laughed.

Lucy finally walked over. "Dr. Benton, I'm going to go check on pre-op labs."

"Hello Lucy." Carter greeted, hoping she would acknowledge him.

She looked over at him. "Hello Dr. Carter."

Dr. Carter. So he was back to being Dr. Carter…not Carter and not John…that wasn't a great sign.

Peter looked at Lucy. "Thank you Lucy. I'll be there in a moment."

Lucy took one more look at Carter and then disappeared behind the doors.

"Well she couldn't get away from me fast enough." Carter remarked when she was out of sight.

"She's…look, just cut her some slack, ok?" Peter advised.

"I think she officially hates me. I'm back to being Dr. Carter." Carter noted.

"How you doing?" Peter asked.

"I'm alright." Carter nodded.

"Good." Peter smiled. "I have to go, but I'm sure Mark and Kerry will let you come back. So I'll see you later."

"Yeah." Carter nodded. He realized now that he had his work cut out for him if he wanted to get back in Lucy's life.

So there is chapter one of my new story. Hopefully you will enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to review and let me know what you may have liked or not liked. :)


	2. It's Fine

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Two

Carter read through the list of terms and conditions for Kerry and Mark to let him come back to work. It was a thick document and very detailed.

"You want random urine tests?" He asked.

"Yes." Kerry answered.

"And I get to pay for them too." He noted. "Well that's neat."

"Is that a problem?" Mark asked.

"No." He shook his head. "It's not a problem at all."

"In addition to the State Caduceus meetings, we'll require 90 NA or AA meetings during the first 90 days." Kerry explained.

"That won't be a problem either. I'm already going to NA anyway."

"Good." Mark nodded. "That's actually very good. And the three of us will meet once a week, just to, you know, check in…make sure you're handling the stress alright."

"Ok." He nodded, pulling out a pen to sign the contract.

"The naltrexone binds to your opiate…" Kerry started to explain.

"I know what it does." He interrupted, scribbling his name on the contract. "It protects you. It will block the euphoric effects of the narcotics."

"It protects all of us, Carter." Kerry countered.

Mark pulled the pill bottle from his pocket and slid it across the table. "You need to begin this today if you want to return to work next week."

"Ok." He looked at the pill bottle and then started to put it in his jacket pocket. That's when he saw Mark filling a glass with water. "You want to watch me take it?"

"Yeah." Kerry nodded. "We'll be periodically monitoring your regimen."

"Alright." He couldn't say he was happy with this situation. This whole situation sucked. But he got himself into this situation and if it was what he had to do in order to get his job back, then he had no choice. He opened the pill bottle, took one out and washed it down with the water.

"Good." Kerry said. "So we'll put you on the schedule for next week. Tuesday. We'll start out very light. No trauma."

"Whatever you say." Carter nodded.

"See you next week, Carter." Mark said, getting up.

"Welcome back." Kerry smiled.

"Thanks." He said. After they got left the room he sighed. It was going to be difficult coming back since everyone knew where he had been. And not being able to do traumas at first was probably for the best but would be hard. But he had to remind himself that this was the path he needed to walk in order to get back to where he was before his addiction. Mark and Kerry seemed willing to give him a second chance. Hopefully everyone else would too.

* * *

"So I take it you don't want to talk about what happened earlier this morning?" Peter asked Lucy as they looked over the post-op vitals of their last surgical patient for the day.

"Why? What happened this morning?" Lucy asked with a chuckle.

"Seriously Lucy?" Peter laughed. "You want to play dumb with me right now?"

"Fine." She sighed. "I didn't know he was coming in today. It caught me off guard. That's all."

"That's understandable." He nodded.

They were quiet for a moment until Peter spoke again. "You know, he thinks you hate him."

"Really?" Lucy laughed nervously.

"Yeah. That's what he said."

Unfortunately she could never hate him. "Do we have to talk about this, Dr. Benton?"

"No." He shook his head. "I just thought maybe you needed a friendly ear."

"I'm good." Lucy lied. "But thank you. I'm going to go finish charting before I go home." As she left the room, her mind wandered to the night of the intervention after Dr. Benton left with Carter.

 _Lucy sat on the roof, trying her best not to cry again. She couldn't believe things had gotten this bad. She knew that Carter was still struggling to deal with the attack. He still had nightmares about it quite often. But she didn't know the depth of his sorrow or his addiction._

 _She should have known though. She was practically living with him at this point. How could she have been so blind? She felt like an idiot._

 _She also wasn't convinced that the intervention was such a good idea. She knew that an intervention was going to set him off. She was right about it setting him off. She just didn't know that he would say such harsh things._

 _Then there was the black eye she was starting to get. She knew it was partially to blame for getting hit. She did get in between Carter and Dr. Benton. The punch wasn't meant for her. She could see it on Carter's face that he didn't mean for it to happen. But it still hurt._

 _Hopefully Dr. Benton got Carter onto the plane and checked into rehab._

 _Even though she heard the door to the roof open and close, she didn't look behind her to see who it was. At this point it didn't matter who it was. She just wanted them to go away._

" _I thought maybe you might be up here." Mark said, sitting next to her._

" _I just want to be alone right now, if you don't mind." Lucy told him._

" _How is your eye?"_

" _It hurts, but I'll live." She answered._

" _Peter called a little while ago." He continued. "Carter is all settled in rehab."_

" _Good." She nodded, a little annoyed that he wasn't leaving yet. She was glad to know Carter was settled though._

" _You know…he didn't mean what he said today."_

" _That's nice of you to say." She sniffled. "But I think he did."_

" _He was upset and lashing out." Mark explained. "That wasn't the Carter we know tonight."_

" _I know." She nodded._

" _So none of us knew you two were together." He stated after a few minutes. "We knew you had gotten closer, but we didn't know you got that close."_

" _We didn't get together until after the attack." She clarified. "Are we going to be in trouble for that? Because I haven't been his student since then. And I'm now a surgical resident so technically…"_

" _No. Neither of you are in trouble for that." He shook his head. "I'm just saying that we know now that this will be a rough time for you as well. So if you need anything, just let us know. Do you need a couple of days off? I'm sure we could arrange something with Romano…"_

" _Thank you but no." Lucy nodded, looking over at him. "I think I just need to be alone right now and then I'll be fine."_

" _Alright." He stood up. "Hey Lucy?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _He is going to be ok. And so will you." He told her before leaving the roof._

* * *

Lucy climbed the stairs to her apartment. It was a long day. While she appreciated Dr. Benton trying to be friendly and talk to her about Carter, she just wanted to take a bubble bath, have a glass of wine and forget about everything. Taking a look at her doorstep, she knew now that wasn't an option.

"Hey." Carter greeted, getting up from the sitting position he had been in.

"How long have you been sitting here?" She asked.

"Only about twenty minutes." He answered after checking his watch. "I was at a meeting nearby and thought since we didn't get a chance to talk earlier…maybe we could talk now."

"I don't think it's a good idea. Today has been a really long day." She told him, putting her key in the lock.

"Please?" He asked quietly.

She looked at him…really looked at him and felt her resolve weakening. All it took was a couple of moments with him and she just wanted to bury herself in his arms.

"Ok." She relented, opening the door for him to go in first. She entered behind him, throwing her bag and keys on the table by the door. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Maybe some water please."

Without saying another word, she crossed the small apartment to the kitchen. She reached up and got two glasses. Although she had her back to him, she somehow knew that he had followed her into the kitchen. She took a deep breath as she walked to the sink and filled the glasses with water. Turning around, she handed him his glass.

"Thanks." He smiled, immediately taking a drink.

"You're welcome." She nodded. "Dr. Benton was right. You are looking better."

"I'm feeling better too." He pointed out.

"Good. I'm glad." Both of them were silent. "Word going around the hospital is that you are coming back next week."

"Yeah." He nodded. "Mark and Kerry made me sign a long document outlining what I can and can't do. I understand why they have to do that, but it makes me feel like a criminal or something. They have put a lot of restrictions on what I can and can't do."

"Well I'm sure that the restrictions are for your own good as well as theirs." Lucy said. "I'm sure they don't want to throw you into the deep end too soon." They stood there silently for a few more minutes because she wasn't sure what else to say.

For the past three months she had imagined what she would say to him when he came back. She had several different scenarios imagined depending on her mood and his attitude at the time. But now that he was back, her mind felt like a bowl of jello.

"Lucy…" He started to talk but then stopped. "Damn, I really don't know how to start this."

She saw that he looked nervous and had a feeling she knew what he was going to say. "If you're going to apologize, it's ok. You don't have to."

"Yes, I do have to apologize." He assured her. "I've thought about it a lot, and talked about it a lot in rehab. I was horrible to you. I said things that are unforgivable. Hell, I even punched you, which is also unforgivable."

"You didn't mean to punch me." Lucy shrugged, moving past him to go back to the living room. "You were aiming for Dr. Benton. I just was unlucky enough to get in the way."

"Luce..." He lightly grabbed her arm to get her to stop moving away from him. "I'm so sorry."

"Like I said, it's fine." She told him, staring at her glass.

"I don't believe you when you say it is fine."

"And why is that?"

"Because you will barely even look at me and keep trying to get away from me." He pointed out.

"I don't know what you want from me, Dr. Carter." She sighed, removing her arm from his light grasp. "I really don't."

"And why am I back to being Dr. Carter?" He asked softly. "After everything we've been through, why are you being so formal again?"

She sighed. This was part of why she didn't want to talk to him right now. As much as she tried not to be, she was still angry with him. She was also angry with herself. She was hurt and she was exhausted. But getting mad at him right now wouldn't be good because the last thing she wanted to do was stress him out too much.

"What do you want from me?" She finally asked, looking at him. "I forgive you. What else is there?"

"Everything." He sighed, staring at her face for a moment. "God…I really hurt you more than I thought, didn't I?"

She sighed. "Do you want the truth?"

"Of course I do."

Apparently there was no way around having this conversation tonight. So she might as well dive right in. "You almost destroyed me. Logically I know you were lashing out because you felt like you were being ambushed. But the things you said and did really hurt me. And I have forgiven you. Truly, I have. I just can't forget it quite as easily."

"Luce…" He went over and grabbed her hands. "I'm so sorry. I know those words sound hollow, but I don't know how else to say it. I didn't mean anything that I said that night and if I could take it all back."

"But you can't." She whispered, looking at the floor.

"No." He whispered. "I can't. So where does that leave us?"

"There is no us, remember?" Lucy scoffed, pulling her hands from his grasp. "You declared our relationship officially over and broke up with me in a room of our coworkers."

"I didn't…"

"I know, I know, I know." Lucy interrupted. "You didn't mean it. But you still said it…along with other mean things. "

"I'm sorry." He hung his head down low.

"No. I'm sorry." Lucy stated, taking a good look at him. "I shouldn't be so snarky to you."

"You can be as snarky as you want!" Carter chuckled, looking at her. "I deserve it." He was quiet for a moment. "I was lying when I said I didn't care about you. The truth is that I l…"

"I'm going to stop you right there." She interrupted. It seemed like he was about to say he loved her and that was something that she simply couldn't handle right now. "I'm not sure what you want from me or what you expected to happen tonight."

"I want you back in my life, Luce." He told her plainly. "I need you back in my life."

"And what about what I need?" She asked.

"What do you need?"

"I don't know anymore." She answered honestly. "But I do know that I'm not the same person I was three months ago. I doubt you are either."

"No. I'm not." He agreed.

"So maybe we just go back to being friends." She suggested.

"Friends?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I think being friends would be good for us right now."

She hated having to tell him she wanted to be friends because there was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to take him into the bedroom and not come out for several days. But there was no way she could handle anything like that with him right now. Truthfully, she wasn't sure he could handle it right now either since he just got out of rehab.

Being friends would be a good way for her to protect her heart as well. It would be easier if she could hate him. It would be easier if she could just move on and write him out of her life.

But the truth was that she loved him. And she loved him too much to jeopardize his recovery. The two books she read about how to deal with a loved one who is recovering from an addiction told her that the person's primary focus right out of rehab should be their recovery—not a relationship.

So she would step out of the way. And this would give her a chance to breathe and take stock of all that has happened this past year as well.

"If you want to just be friends, we can do that." Carter finally replied. "Does that mean you will stop calling me Dr. Carter?"

She couldn't help but chuckle. "Why? Does that bother you?"

"Actually it does." He smiled. "I'd prefer you call me John. But I would settle for Carter again."

John was what she started calling him in private after they began their relationship. While she wanted to call him that again, she couldn't bring herself to do it. "Ok. Carter it is."

He smiled. "You know, you probably saved my life by telling Mark and Kerry what you saw in the trauma room that day. I would be an idiot if I didn't say thank you for that."

"You don't have to thank me." She assured him, remembering the way he treated her after Mark and Kerry confronted him about the Fentanyl use.

 _Lucy cautiously approached Carter. He was in the suture room working on charts since Kerry and Mark told him he couldn't see any more patients today. "Can we talk for a moment? Please?"_

" _We don't have anything to talk about." He replied gruffly. "And I have a ton of charts I need to get through."_

" _Carter…I'm sorry. But I had to tell them what I saw…"_

" _But you were wrong!" He yelled, glaring at her. "And besides, if you thought you saw something, you should have come to me first. I thought you cared about me…"_

" _I do care!" She contested. "But there is something going on with you that I didn't see until now. And I'm sorry, but I told them because I care. I think you might need…"_

" _The only thing I need is for you to leave me the hell alone." He dismissed her. "Now."_

" _Can we at least talk later?" She asked quietly._

" _Like I said before, we really don't have anything to discuss anymore."_

 _She watched him turn his attention back to the charts. "Fine." She sighed, realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere with him right now._

"Of course I have to thank you." Carter insisted. "So thank you, Lucy. I didn't appreciate it then. But I definitely do now."

"I'm just glad you were able to get some help."

"I guess I should be going." Carter said. "Since I'm not back at the hospital until next week, is there any way we could maybe get some coffee or lunch sometime before then?"

"We'll see." Lucy answered, not wanting to commit to anything right now. She wasn't sure she was ready to start hanging out with him yet. But if they were truly going to try and be friends they would have to do that eventually.

"Ok. I'll call you." He said.

She walked him over to the door and opened it. "Sounds good." She watched him start to walk away. "Hey Carter?"

"Yeah?" He asked, turning to face her.

"I'm proud of you for going through the program." She gave him a small smile.

"Thanks Lucy." He smiled widely. "That means a lot to me. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." As soon as he was gone, she closed the door and let out a deep sigh. This wasn't going to be easy.


	3. Friendly Ears

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Three

 _Lucy was at the front desk, writing on a chart, when Carter came up. "Lucy, would you care to explain to me why Paul Sobriki is still in exam 3? He should already be either admitted or released by now. How come you can't seem to manage your patient? You know I've treated four patients while you have been tied up with that one?"_

" _Psych hasn't come down for the consult yet." Lucy replied, not looking up while she answered. She was tired of his attitude with her. It wasn't just today either. There were times where he could be almost sweet and a good teacher. But most of the time he was a jerk to her and it was getting on her nerves._

 _Today it was especially annoying because she knew she was right about the patient. She knew in her heart that there was something psychologically wrong with Paul Sobriki. But Carter refused to believe her._

" _Have you thought about calling them again?" He asked._

 _She looked at him and rolled her eyes. "Why no, Carter, I'm such an idiot and so inept at my job that I didn't even bother to think that maybe I should call them again. God, what would I do without you?" She started to walk away._

" _Hey. Lucy! Don't walk away from me." He followed after her._

" _Sorry Carter. I just don't feel like being your punching bag right now." Lucy said as she continued to walk away from him. She ended up going into the lounge._

" _I don't use you as a punching bag." He argued, following her inside._

" _Yes you do!" Lucy argued, putting down her chart. "You berate me about things that aren't my fault all the time. Why don't you just admit it? You don't like me and you don't respect me as a doctor."_

 _She thought, after the make-out session in exam six last year that maybe he had some kind of feelings for her. But his actions the past few months quickly dispelled that belief. She knew it was wrong but she still had some inappropriate feelings for him._

 _He was supposed to be her teacher and maybe her friend if she was lucky. But instead he was the one she dreamed about at night. Of course to him, she was nothing but a bug he felt he needed to squash. Maybe she should have asked Dr. Greene to pair her with a different doctor._

" _That's not true." Carter shook his head._

" _You've been treating me like dirt underneath your shoe for weeks now." She pointed out. "It's got to stop."_

" _I'm sorry." He apologized._

 _She looked at his face and could see that he seemed genuinely sorry. "Just…never mind." Lucy went to leave but he grabbed her arm._

" _Lucy…"_

" _What?" She sighed, looking over at him._

" _I do like you and I am sorry." He said softly. "And I do respect you as a doctor."_

" _You sure have a funny way of showing it." She told him, breaking out of his grasp._

 _He followed her out of the lounge. "Can we talk?"_

" _No." She shook her head. "I'm going to check on Sobriki and then I'll call psych for the fifth time. Maybe this time they will actually show up."_

" _I'll come with you." He offered._

" _I don't need a babysitter, Carter." She told him. The Valentine's Day party had started and music was blaring throughout the ER._

 _They approached exam room three and she thought for a moment that it was weird for the lights to be out. But she remembered that he said he had a migraine. So maybe he turned out the lights to get some rest. She was aware Carter had followed her inside._

" _I didn't say you needed a babysitter."_

" _Why don't you just leave me alone?" She sighed. When she turned around, her eyes went wide. She saw Sobriki standing behind the door with a large butcher knife. She screamed as Sobriki stabbed Carter in the back._

" _Help!" Lucy screamed, hoping that someone would hear her over the loud music. "Somebody help us!"_

 _She knew she had to do something as she watched in horror at the scene in front of her. Seeing Carter get stabbed was terrifying. She moved quickly to try and tackle or kick Sobriki, anything to get him to stop stabbing Carter._

 _As she got closer to him, he turned his attention to her. They fought for control of the knife and he ended up slicing her arms in a couple of places. He used the split second she looked at Carter to get the jump on her and wrapped an arm around her waist. Then he held the knife up to her throat._

" _Alright. I'm done being poked and stabbed by you two. You've been doing it all day but it stops now." He told her. "I'm getting out of here and you are my ticket out. So you're going to be nice and quiet and still while we walk out of here or else I'll slice that pretty head of yours completely off. Do you understand?"_

" _Yes." She whispered. At that moment, Carter managed to push himself up to look at her. Their eyes met and she started to cry silently. She mouthed the words 'I'm sorry', not sure if he could understand._

 _Sobriki was leading her away from Carter, making her leave him all alone and bleeding on the floor. She felt completely helpless._

 _As they got to the hallway, other people started to notice what was going on._

" _Everyone get out of my way!" Sobriki yelled, practically dragging Lucy along with him. "If anyone tries to stop me from leaving, I'll kill this doctor! I mean it!"_

 _She understood why no one was trying to help her. Most of them looked frozen in place from fear and the others must have believed in his threats. She certainly believed he could and would kill her. But she had to do something. She had to make sure someone helped Carter._

 _Before long they ended up in the ambulance bay. Police sirens were faintly heard at first, but then started to become stronger. She realized that since he was now outside of the hospital, he wouldn't think twice about killing her. After all, he didn't need her anymore to get away from the hospital. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye and elbowed him in the face._

" _Ow! You bitch!" He flailed around and before she had a chance to get away, she felt the knife cut into her leg._

 _She screamed and hobbled away as quickly as she could with a knife stuck in her leg. The pain was intense but didn't care. She didn't care about the pain or even about what happened to Sobriki at this point. She just knew she had to get back into the hospital to tell them about Carter._

 _As soon as she got back through the ER doors she collapsed._

" _Get a gurney!" Kerry yelled as she kneeled down next to her. "Lucy, you're going to be alright."_

" _Dr. Weaver, get Carter…now." She told her. The pain from her leg was intense but she still had to speak. "Sobriki stabbed him…in exam three…hurry…please."_

 _Kerry's eyes went wide. "Don't worry. We'll take care of both of you." She got up. "Mark! You take Lucy. I'll take Carter. I need a gurney and some nurses!"_

Lucy sat straight up in bed, drenched in sweat. It had been a while since she had a nightmare about the attack. But it didn't surprise her. She stared at the ceiling, trying to take deep breaths and clear her mind.

It wasn't helping though. Most of the time she was able to get past the nightmares quickly. She would take deep breaths and remind herself that it happened in the past but wouldn't happen again.

She suspected her nightmare was partially caused by Carter coming back into her life. Looking at the clock, she saw it was 5:30am. There was no doubt in her mind that she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. So she decided to get up and clean her apartment.

* * *

Carter got up after the NA meeting and headed to the back for a cup of coffee. He reached for a cup at the same time as someone else. "Oh, sorry."

"It's ok." The man smiled. "You go ahead."

"Thanks." Carter grabbed a cup and poured coffee into it. He was beginning to realize that the coffee they served was disgusting. But at this point he didn't care. He moved out of the way so that the other man could get some coffee.

"This stuff is so gross." The man laughed. "But for some reason I keep drinking it. There may be something wrong with me."

Carter smiled. "Perhaps. But I'm drinking it too. So maybe there's something wrong with me too."

"My name is David." The man extended his hand and they shook hands.

"I'm John Carter."

"Nice to meet you." David said with a smile. "You're new around here, right?"

"Yeah." Carter nodded. "I just recently got back from rehab in Atlanta."

"You went all the way to Atlanta for rehab?" David laughed.

Carter squirmed. "There was a place that specializes in rehab for doctors there."

"Oh. So it's Dr. Carter then?" David asked.

"Yes."

They walked over to the chair and sat down. "What do you think of our little group so far?"

"It's alright." Carter shrugged.

"It's a good group. But you want to stay away from Sharice. She will talk your ear off for hours about anything and everything." David advised.

"Thanks for the warning." Carter said, drinking his coffee.

"So do you have a sponsor yet?"

"Uh, no." Carter shook his head. They told him in rehab that he would be better off if he could find a sponsor to help keep him in check. But he wasn't sure how to even pick a sponsor. He saw that David was staring at him and he wondered why.

"Ok." David finally said. "I've been living the sober life without pain pills for fifteen years now. If you want, I'll be your sponsor."

"Really?" Carter asked. Could it really be this easy to find a sponsor?

"Really." David replied. "I can tell a lot about a person after talking to them for five minutes. I can tell that you just need some guidance and someone who can listen. I can do both of those things for you."

"Yeah. Sure. Actually it would be nice to have a sponsor." Carter agreed.

"Wonderful." David replied. "Do you want to go get lunch so we can get to know each other better?"

"Sounds good." Carter replied.

* * *

Lucy sat in the diner near her apartment, holding her coffee cup in both hands while it sat on the table. She thought back to last night after Carter left.

 _Lucy pulled out her cell phone, finding the number on her recent call list and pushing it. "Betty? It's Lucy."_

" _Hello Lucy. Isn't a little late?" Betty greeted._

" _I'm sorry. I know it is late. Did I wake you?"_

" _No. I was still awake."_

" _Good." Lucy was glad she didn't wake the woman up. "I was wondering if you could meet me tomorrow for coffee? I'm off all day so I'm flexible to work around your schedule."_

" _Is something wrong?" Betty asked._

" _Yes and no. I just need someone to talk to. Carter came back today." Lucy explained._

" _I see. Do you need to talk about it tonight? We could meet now."_

" _No we don't need to meet tonight." Lucy assured her. "It can wait until tomorrow."_

" _If you are sure, then how about we meet for lunch instead at noon?"_

" _Sounds perfect." Lucy chuckled. "Thanks!"_

Betty was a wonderful lady Lucy had met at a Nar-Anon meeting. She started going to them shortly after Carter went to rehab in an attempt to find out what she could do to help him. Then she met Betty, who had been going to the meetings for close to twenty years because her husband, David, was a recovery drug addict. David was also addicted to pain medicine at one time.

The two of them hit it off immediately and Lucy had told Betty everything that happened. Anytime she needed a friendly ear or advice the past few months, she would call Betty. Then a couple of times she went over to her house and had dinner with the couple.

"Lucy, dear." Betty said, greeting her as she entered the booth. "I'm sorry I am a couple of minutes late."

"It's fine!" Lucy greeted with a smile. "I'm just glad you could meet me today."

"You sounded weird on the phone last night. In fact, after I hung up with you I told David about it and he said he was worried about you."

"You can tell him I'm fine." Lucy assured the woman. But then Betty looked at her with her eyebrow raised. "Ok. I'm not fine. But I'm also not a mess. So at least give me credit for that!"

"Alright." Betty smiled. "So you mentioned that Carter came back yesterday. What happened?"

"I saw him at the hospital and practically ignored him. Then he ended up waiting for me at my apartment last night and we talked."

"How was that?"

"Weird." Lucy chuckled. "Awkward. Scary. Wonderful. Confusing. I could go on. He apologized for everything."

"Did you forgive him?"

"Of course." Lucy nodded.

"Have you actually forgiven him though?" Betty asked.

"Yeah." Lucy replied quickly. Then she thought about it. "I don't know. There is a part of me that is still angry. I'm just not sure if I'm angry at him, myself or both."

"It's ok to be angry." Betty reminded her. "I'm still angry sometimes at some of the stuff David did when he was using. But I love him and we found a way to move forward. You love Carter, right?"

"Yeah. I do."

"So what is it you are struggling the most with right now?"

Lucy appreciated that Betty somehow knew exactly what was going on with her. "I told him I only wanted to be friends. It was a lie. I want to be with him again. But I know he shouldn't be in a relationship right now, and with everything that's happened I'm not sure I can be either."

Betty put her hand over Lucy's. "You've been through a lot, especially the last couple of months. Are you planning on telling him what happened while he was in rehab?"

"No." Lucy shook her head. "He just got out of rehab a couple of days ago. I'm afraid he is too vulnerable to know about it right now."

"He should know though."

"Maybe...probably…ok, definitely." Lucy admitted. "But I don't see how telling him about it would help him right now."

"It might help you." Betty pointed out. "But that is your main goal? Helping him?"

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "Of course it is. I want to do whatever I can to help support his recovery process."

"So if you are so focused on helping him, who will help you?" Betty asked.

"I don't need any help." Lucy proclaimed.

"Sure you don't." Betty laughed. "You know you shouldn't lie to your friends."

"I'm helping myself." She pointed out. "That's why I started going to the NAR-anon meetings and reading the books."

"I just feel like from what you have told me about your past with him, you have a tendency to focus too much on Carter's needs and not your own. I don't want to see you flounder." Betty explained.

"Well with you in my life, that won't happen." Lucy smiled. "Now will it?"

"You're damn straight it won't!" Betty smiled. "Now, let's order and you can tell me more about last night. Or we can talk about something else if you would like. It's your choice."

* * *

"So what event preceded your addiction?" David asked as they got their food. "Because there is always something that triggers the domino effect."

"My med student and I were attacked on Valentine's Day by a patient." Carter explained, thinking back to that day.

 _Lucy was at the front desk, writing on a chart, when he came up. "Lucy, would you care to explain to me why Paul Sobriki is still in exam 3? He should already be either admitted or released by now. How come you can't seem to manage your patient? You know I've treated four patients while you have been tied up with that one?"_

" _Psych hasn't come down for the consult yet." Lucy replied, not looking up while she answered._

" _Have you thought about calling them again?" He asked._

 _She looked at him and rolled her eyes. "Why no, Dr. Carter, I'm such an idiot and so inept at my job that I didn't even bother to think that maybe I should call them again. God, what would I do without you?" She started to walk away._

" _Hey. Lucy! Don't talk that tone with me and don't walk away from me." He followed after her._

" _Sorry Dr. Carter. I just don't feel like being your punching bag right now." Lucy said as she continued to walk away from him. She ended up going into the lounge._

" _I don't use you as a punching bag." He argued, following her inside._

" _Yes you do!" Lucy argued, putting down her chart. "You berate me about things that aren't my fault all the time. Why don't you just admit it? You don't like me and you don't respect me as a doctor."_

" _That's not true." Carter shook his head._

" _You've been treating me like dirt underneath your shoe for weeks now." She pointed out. "It's got to stop."_

" _I'm sorry." He apologized._

" _Just…never mind." Lucy went to leave but he grabbed her arm._

" _Lucy…"_

" _What?" She sighed, looking over at him._

" _I do like you and I am sorry." He said softly. "And I do respect you as a doctor."_

" _You sure have a funny way of showing it." She told him, breaking out of his grasp._

 _He followed her out of the lounge. "Can we talk?"_

" _No." She shook her head. "I'm going to check on Sobriki and then call psych for the fifth time. Maybe this time they will actually show up."_

" _I'll come with you." He offered._

" _I don't need a babysitter, Dr. Carter." She told him. The Valentine's Day party had started and music was now blasting through the ER._

 _They approached exam room three and he thought for a moment that it was weird for the lights to be out. But he vaguely remembered Lucy presenting the patient as having a migraine. So maybe he turned out the lights to get some rest. He followed her inside. "I didn't say you needed a babysitter."_

" _Why don't you just leave me alone?" She sighed. When she turned around, her eyes went wide. She screamed, and as he heard the sound he felt the cold metal enter his back._

" _Help!" Lucy screamed. "Somebody help us!"_

 _He felt the metal enter his body again before he collapsed on the floor. He felt his back and saw the blood. He felt dizzy and weak but was finally able to look up at Lucy. Their eyes met. He saw Sobriki hold the same knife that was used to stab him up to her neck._

 _She seemed to be saying something, but he couldn't hear her. The urge to yell for help, to say anything, was great. But he couldn't form the words. Unable to stay awake any longer, his world turned black._

"That sounds terrible." David said. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

"I ended up getting hooked on pain medication to deal with everything." Carter explained. "How did you end up on pain killers?"

"I had a bad car accident." David explained. "I hurt my back pretty bad, but I couldn't afford to be out of work so I took more and more pain killers to be able to function."

"I'm sorry." Carter shook his head.

"It happens…more often than anyone cares to admit." David shrugged. "When did you become aware that you had a problem?"

"I think deep down, in the back of my mind I always knew." Carter admitted. "But I didn't want to admit it. It wasn't until I got caught stealing fentanyl after a trauma that I was confronted about it. Until then, I had been able to hide it from everyone."

"Is that when you went to rehab?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "Lucy did me a favor by reporting what she saw, even though I hurt her badly."

"Why don't you tell me more about that?" David asked.

"Sure…" Carter nodded, preparing to tell the man everything.


	4. Coffee

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Four

 _The next day after the attack, Lucy stopped her wheelchair before she got to Carter's room. This was the first chance she had to come and see him and she was nervous about it. Everyone had assured her that he was going to be alright, but she had to make sure for herself._

 _Dr. Romano had told her that Carter ended up suffering from a bad renal laceration and a hematoma on the lumber plexus. That was going to be rough recovery, but at least she could be glad he was still alive and the knife hadn't left him paralyzed._

 _She had been lucky too, as Dr. Romano was quick to point out. The knife only got lodged in some muscle tissue. He operated on her leg and reduced the amount of muscle damage as much as he could. But she would still have weeks of physical therapy to do to get back to normal again._

 _She wondered if Carter would be mad at her when she went in. He would have a right to be angry. But she had to see him anyway. Realizing it was silly to just sit outside his room all day, she took a deep breath before rolling her wheelchair to the doorway and knocking. She saw Carter sitting in a wheelchair by the window. "Hey." She greeted in a voice that was as cheery as she could muster._

 _Carter looked over at her and smiled. "Lucy! Hey."_

" _Mind if I come in?" She asked._

" _Please do!"_

 _He didn't seem mad at her, which was refreshing. He actually looked happy to see her. She wasn't used to that but decided to roll with it._

" _You look good." She said quietly, rolling her wheelchair over to him. She couldn't help but remember the last time she saw him, bleeding on the floor after being stabbed. While he still looked pale and she could tell he was in pain, he still looked much better._

" _You do too." He said._

" _How are you feeling?" She asked._

 _He stared at her._

" _Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question." She laughed. "Sorry."_

" _It's ok. I've just heard that question too many times today." He smiled, looking at the bandage she had on her leg. "Peter told me about your leg but he didn't tell me what happened. How did your leg end up getting hurt?"_

" _It's a long story." She shook her head. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet, not even with Carter. It was hard enough to talk to the police about it when they stopped by. She didn't have it in her to go over the story again right now. "So we are both in the wheelchair club for now?" She said after a moment._

" _Looks like it." He shrugged._

" _You want to go out to the hallway and have a wheelchair race? Winner can take the other person's Jello from their dinner tray." She asked with a smirk._

 _He laughed, clearly causing himself pain._

" _I'm sorry." She apologized, realizing that making him laugh was the wrong thing to do. "I should probably just go because I'm failing at this. I wanted to come by and…"_

" _Lucy…" He reached out and grabbed her arm. "Don't go. Please?"_

" _I just caused you pain." She pointed out._

" _All you did was make me laugh." He pointed out. "It feels like almost the entire hospital staff has come in today to visit me but no one has been able to do that since…well you know. Therefore, you have to stay. Please? Although it does hurt to laugh, I need to."_

 _She smiled at him. If he wanted her to stay, she would stay. "So is that a yes or a no to a wheelchair race?"_

 _He chuckled. "It's a maybe."_

" _Why maybe?" She smirked. "You afraid you might lose to a girl?"_

 _He laughed again. "I'm just protective of my Jello. I don't want to risk losing it."_

 _She laughed. It was weird to be able to joke around with him, but it was also nice._

" _How long are you in here for?" He asked._

" _Just a day or two more." She answered. "Romano wants to monitor my leg and make sure it doesn't get infected. What about you?"_

" _I'll be here a couple more days at least, maybe even a week. It just depends."_

" _Do you have to do physical therapy four times a week too? Or am I the only one who gets that distinct privilege?" She asked._

" _Sorry to tell you, but you aren't getting special treatment." He smirked. "I have to do PT four times a week too."_

" _Maybe we could schedule ours at the same time?" She suggested. "Unless you don't think you can stand to be around me that much."_

 _He smirked. "I think I can handle it."_

 _They sat there in silence for several minutes._

" _Lucy…" Carter started._

" _Yeah?"_

" _I'm sorry."_

 _She looked over at him like he had grown a second head. "What in the world do you have to be sorry about?"_

" _A lot of things, but mainly I've been a horrible teacher to you." He explained._

" _No…"_

" _Yeah." He interrupted. "I have. You know it as well as I do. And I need to say this so please don't interrupt me. I've been thinking about it a lot and I haven't been fair to you. You were right when you said I've been using you as a punching bag. In fact, everything you said yesterday was right…except for the part of me not liking you. If I was a better teacher to you, this wouldn't have happened…"_

" _We don't have to talk about this right now." Lucy said. She was certain if they talked about it she would end up crying. She came here to try and cheer him up, not cry on his shoulder. "Do we?"_

" _Yeah, I think we do." He nodded. "I'd like to at least."_

" _Well I don't want to talk about this!" Lucy exclaimed loudly. She immediately regretted her outburst when she saw his face. "Carter, I'm sorry. I just…can't talk about this right now. I should go now because you probably need to get some rest."_

" _Lucy…" He called after her as she started to wheel herself out of his room._

" _Yeah?" She called, freezing in place but not looking back._

" _Will you be back later?"_

" _Oh course." She answered before leaving. She felt bad for leaving his room the way she did, but she couldn't sit around and listen to him apologize for something that wasn't his fault. She knew that Sobriki wasn't right in the head. And while she couldn't have known that he would snap the way he did, she should have stood up more to Carter and demanded he do something._

 _Instead, she let herself be passive and it ended up getting him stabbed. Her recovery was going to be painful, muscle injuries always were. But his recovery would be worse and take longer. She had spent all night wondering what she could do to make up for it, what kind of penance she could practice to wipe the slate clean again. She finally decided she would do anything she could to make his recovery process go smoother._

 _If he let her._

"Lucy?" Peter called out.

Lucy snapped back to reality. "Sorry Dr. Benton."

"I've called your name several times." He said. "You ok today?"

"Of course I am." Lucy replied. "What's up?"

"Did the pre-op labs come back on Mr. Farley?"

"No." Lucy shook her head. "They said it would take another twenty minutes." She checked her watch. "I checked with them ten minutes ago."

Peter sighed. "Ok. Can you just go back there and check again? We really need to get him up to surgery."

"Sure." She nodded.

As she walked she thought about what Betty had said to her a couple of days ago. She did have a tendency to be too focused on Carter's recovery and his needs. Maybe she needed to take a look at herself and think about why that was and what she could do about it.

She felt a buzz from her coat and pulled out her phone. It was a text from Carter.

 _Do you want to grab lunch with me today? Or coffee?_

It had been four days since she last saw him at her apartment. This was the second day he asked if they could meet. Yesterday he had called her. Now apparently he chose to text her. She stood in the middle of the hallway debating what to write back, or if she should write back at all. She supposed that she could meet him for coffee.

 _Maybe coffee later. I have surgery soon._

She continued on her way to check on the labs when her phone buzzed again.

 _Let me know when you are free and I can meet you at Doc Magoo's._

A part of her wondered if going to have coffee with him was a good idea or not. But she said she would be friends with him. Part of being friends was talking to each other. Besides, it was just coffee.

 _Ok._

She took a deep breath and put the phone back in her pocket.

* * *

 _When Carter woke up, he found Peter sitting in the chair next to his bed._

" _Hey. Look who finally decided to open their eyes."_

" _What happened?" He asked._

" _What's the last thing you remember?" Peter asked._

" _Sobriki…" He trailed off. "He stabbed me."_

" _That's right." Peter nodded. "We had to take you to surgery to repair your kidney. You had two stab wounds to the left flank. First one was at the L-2, four centimeters off the midline. The second one was at the L-5 in the midscapular line. You were lucky Carter. It could have been a lot worse. You could have ended up paralyzed."_

" _Yeah." Carter grimaced from the pain. "I know. You did the surgery?"_

" _Of course I did. I wasn't going to trust it to anyone else." Peter smirked. "Dr. Anspaugh may have helped a little too though."_

" _Thank you."_

" _You're welcome, Carter." Peter smiled. "Now I wanna test your motor strength. Lift your leg."_

" _Do I have to?" Carter sighed._

" _Yes." Peter chuckled._

 _Carter sighed again and started to lift his leg. "How is Lucy? Is she ok?" The last time he saw her, she was being held at knifepoint._

" _Last I heard she was out of surgery and doing well." Peter answered. "She should make a full recovery too."_

" _Surgery?" He questioned, getting worried. "What kind of surgery? What happened to her? How serious was it?"_

" _Hold it…" Peter commanded. "Don't let me push your leg down."_

" _It hurts." Carter told him. "My back is killing me."_

" _Yeah. I know." Peter nodded. "You have a hematoma around the lumbar plexus. I'll make sure they give you some morphine for that. But I want you up and walking in twelve hours."_

" _Fine. Now what did Lucy have to have surgery for?" Carter asked, getting impatient that he wasn't getting the answers he wanted._

" _Sobriki impaled her in the leg with the knife." Peter finally explained. "There was some muscle damage that Romano had to work on."_

" _Shit." He whispered._

" _It could have been worse for her too though." Peter tried to be upbeat. "She should be fine."_

" _Yeah." He nodded. "I guess."_

" _I'll go get the order for morphine started for you." Peter said, leaving the room._

 _Carter was glad Lucy was alright. She could have died. They both could have. And it was all because they couldn't work together effectively. He was mean to her. He was too hard on her. He did a really bad job of protecting her. There were many things he could have and should have done differently. He wasn't a good teacher to her, which led to the attack happening. He also let his personal feelings dictate how he treated her._

 _Everything she said to him was true…except for the part about him not liking her. That couldn't be farther from the truth._

 _He liked her too much._

 _She was supposed to just be his student. Instead, she was the one he dreamed about at night._

 _After their dalliance in exam six, he resigned himself to the fact that she was his student and therefore nothing else could ever happen between them. It wasn't easy to continue to be her teacher after that. She was all he thought about and was somewhat relieved when she did her psych rotation because it meant he didn't have to see her quite as much. But it didn't stop him from thinking about her at least twenty times a day._

 _It was juvenile when he thought about it. He couldn't be with her, he couldn't touch her, and he couldn't tell her how he felt. So he resorted to acting like a little boy on a playground would…he treated her like crap in a veiled attempt to disguise his feelings for her._

 _Now he realized that was the worst thing he could have done. They could have been killed because of that._

 _A part of him just wanted to blurt out his feelings for her, but he was pretty sure that would cause her to stop visiting him. She might even slap him. So he would keep quiet._

 _She probably hated him now, but he would deserve that._

Carter realized he had zoned out and focused on his coffee cup. He had gotten one for Lucy too since she texted and said she was on her way. He had been talking to David a lot the past couple of days about what happened after the attack. And it seemed like David didn't mind that 98% of all their discussions ended up including the topic of Lucy. Reminiscing about the aftermath of the attack must have been what prompted him to get so lost in his thoughts.

It was helpful to have a sponsor. David was a good, decent guy who seemed to have a handle on his own addiction. Although he had gone back and forth in his mind about whether he truly needed a sponsor, he could tell now that having a sponsor was a good thing.

He looked up at the door at the right time, seeing Lucy enter. He waved her over to his booth in the back. "Hi."

"Hi." She greeted back, taking off her coat and sitting down.

"I hope you still take your coffee the same way as before." He said, motioning to the cup.

"I do, actually." Lucy nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They were silent for a few minutes, with Lucy looking out the window. He was busy looking at her. She looked as nervous as he felt and he wished he could make her feel more comfortable around him. But maybe that would just take time.

He knew without a doubt that he would wait as long as necessary for her to realize that they could still be great together as more than friends.

"How is your day going?" He asked.

She looked over at him. "Fine I guess."

"How do you like your surgical residency?"

"I'm enjoying it." She smiled. "You know how Dr. Benton can be though."

Carter chuckled. "Yeah."

"But it's fine." Lucy shrugged. "I'm learning a lot."

"It seemed like when I saw you and Peter together, you were getting along pretty well." Carter noted.

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "I guess we do get along pretty well."

"That's good."

"So you are coming back in just a couple of days." She paused. "Are you ready?"

He let out a deep breath. "Sometimes I feel like I am and then other times I'm really nervous."

"I think you'll be fine." She smiled. "Just try to keep in mind that things aren't going to be the same for you as they were before you left."

"That's the truth." He chuckled. "They have me restricted to not doing traumas and only doing light work. I have a feeling that means there are a lot of colds, stomach aches, sutures and muscle sprains in my future."

"Possibly." Lucy agreed. "But it's like Dr. Romano says to me, you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. Coming back to work on restricted duty means you can ease back into things."

"You're right." He agreed. "But don't ever let Dr. Romano hear that you are quoting him. It will only make his ego inflate more."

Lucy laughed. "You're right about that one."

He missed that laugh. He also missed that smile. Maybe being friends wouldn't be as hard as he thought.

"So how are you really doing?" She asked after a few moments.

"Well, I've been going to a lot of NA meetings." He explained. "They have helped. But I think the thing that has made the most difference is I found a sponsor."

"Oh? That's wonderful." She smiled. "I'm glad."

"He's actually a pretty cool guy." He chuckled. "And he doesn't seem to mind me rambling."

"He'd be a bad sponsor if he did mind." She pointed out.

"True." He smiled. "So have you had any interesting surgeries lately?"

"Well actually…"


	5. First Day Back

Chapter Five

"Dr. Knight, you're going to be covering the ER today." Dr. Romano said to her as he approached the nurses' station.

"Today?" Lucy questioned. Today was Tuesday…the day Carter was coming back to work.

"Yes today." Romano repeated. "Did I stutter?"

"No Dr. Romano." Lucy sighed.

"Good." He said as he stormed off.

Normally she enjoyed covering the ER. It gave her a chance to see everyone again. But the fact that Carter would be there made her nervous. Coffee with him the other day went as well as it could have. But it was awkward and reminded her of the first time she went over to Carter's apartment after he was released from the hospital.

 _Lucy stood outside Carter's apartment. Her crutches were annoying her, but she was glad she had graduated from having to be in the wheelchair. He finally got out of the hospital yesterday. She would have come over yesterday but she didn't want to bother him. She figured that after being in the hospital for a week and having several visitors a day, it might be hard for him to be home and not have as much social interaction though._

 _Plus, she also wanted to check on him. Dr. Benton had helped him get home yesterday and told her that Carter seemed to be settling in well. But she wanted to see it for herself._

 _She knocked on the door. It took a few minutes, but Carter opened the door. "Hey." She greeted with a smile._

" _Hi." He said._

 _He looked a little surprised to see her and she wondered if it was a bad idea to come over._

" _I hope you don't mind that I came over unannounced like this." She said, feeling nervous._

" _No." He shook his head. "It's fine. I just wasn't expecting any company."_

" _I can go…"_

" _No." He almost yelled. "Please don't." He rolled his wheelchair out of the doorway so she could get in with her crutches. Then he closed the door behind her._

" _I'm sorry that I don't have much to offer you in the way of food or drink." He apologized. "Most of my food expired while I was in the hospital."_

" _It's ok." She assured him as she sat down on his couch._

" _I think I might have to hire someone to help out around here for a little bit. I don't think I can make it to the grocery store and there are chores around here that I can't do yet." He sighed._

 _She was silent for a moment, thinking it over. Then she looked over at him. "I'll help you."_

 _Carter laughed. "No Lucy, that's ok."_

" _Why is it funny?" She asked._

" _It's just…no." He shook his head. "I'm not going to ask you to run my errands or clean my apartment. It feels wrong."_

" _You didn't ask." She pointed out. "I offered. There's a difference."_

" _Still…you are recovering too. You shouldn't have to take care of me as well."_

" _Isn't that what friends do for each other?" She asked softly._

 _He was quiet for a moment. "Are we friends?"_

" _Shouldn't we be friends now?"_

" _Do you want to be friends?"_

" _Don't you want to be friends?" She asked._

" _Why are we talking in questions?"_

 _She giggled. "Isn't it more fun?"_

 _He laughed, cringing a little because it clearly still hurt to laugh._

" _Sorry." She apologized._

" _It's ok." He assured her, looking at his watch. "It's time for my pain pill." He rolled himself over to the table and got a pill out of the bottle. Then he took a drink of the water glass. Turning to face her, he smiled. "All better now."_

" _How is the pain?" She asked, getting serious now._

" _Horrible." He admitted. "How is yours?"_

" _It's not pleasant." She answered. "Did they give you a timetable of when you could go back to work?"_

" _Yeah." He scoffed. "It's going to be about two months."_

" _Wow." She wasn't expecting that._

" _They want to make sure I'm off the crutches and fully back to normal." He explained. "When are you going back?"_

 _She was a little ashamed to admit it. "They think about three weeks, maybe four depending on the progress with physical therapy."_

" _Do you ever get tired of people telling you we were lucky?" He asked._

 _She chuckled. "God, yes."_

" _I'm glad." He sighed. "I thought maybe it was just me."_

" _No, it's not just you." She assured him. "I understand what they mean. But I don't always feel lucky right now."_

" _Neither do I." He admitted._

" _You're the only one who understands. So we have to be friends now and we have to take care of each other." She smirked. "So what is on your grocery list?"_

" _No." He shook his head. "I'm not making you go to the grocery for me."_

" _Fine." She replied. "I'll just guess what kind of food you'd like then and you'll have to eat it so you don't hurt my feelings. Or you could just stop being such a big baby about it and give me the damn grocery list."_

" _You're unbelievable, you know that?" He chuckled._

" _I know." She laughed. "It's part of my charm."_

He did finally relent and let her do his grocery shopping and help him clean up the apartment. Between that and seeing him at physical therapy four times a week, she was over at him place every day. They quickly settled into a comfortable routine with each other.

It then occurred to her that maybe in order to be friends with Carter again she had to push herself to spend time with him and make things less awkward. She decided to give it a chance today. Besides, what she told him then was still true. They had to at least try to take care of each other.

* * *

Carter took a deep breath before entering the hospital. He convinced himself he was ready for this and he could handle it. He even talked about it with David after the NA meeting this morning. But now, walking into the doctor's lounge, he wondered if he was truly ready. He saw Mark standing at the counter getting a cup of coffee.

"Hey Carter." He greeted. "Welcome back."

"Hey." Carter greeted back, going over to his locker. He tried the combination but found that it didn't work. "What's up with this locker? I could have sworn this was the right combination."

"Oh, sorry about that." Mark said, walking over. "The State Medical Board made us clean out your locker. I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one soon but for now you can just use mine."

"So then where is my stuff?" He asked, trying not to get frustrated with the situation.

Mark reached above the lockers and pulled down a box. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Carter opened the box and pulled his coat out.

"Are you ready to rock and roll today?"

"I guess so." Carter replied, putting the white coat back on and smoothing out the wrinkles that had formed from being in a box for a few months.

"You know, if you need to talk about a case, a patient or anything…just come find me. Alright?"

"Sure. I'll do that." He could tell by the look on Mark's face that he was nervous about how today was going to go as well. "I promise I will if I need to." He hated seeing that look on his friends' face.

"Good. I'll see you out there." Mark said, leaving the lounge.

Carter took a look at the contents of the box. He pulled out the stethoscope and saw the photo that he had taped in the back of his locker was underneath. It was a picture Lucy took of the two of them one evening when they were cuddled on the couch watching tv. He forgot that had been in his locker until now.

He hung the stethoscope around his neck and then picked up the picture. Lucy was smiling at the lens with a huge, goofy grin while he was kissing her cheek with his eyes closed.

 _Carter was flipping through the channels. "There's nothing good on."_

" _Yeah." Lucy agreed, pulling out her phone._

 _Next thing he knew, he was hearing the click of her phone camera going off. He looked over and saw her taking pictures of him. "What are you doing?" He laughed._

" _You know, we've been together a few weeks now and we really don't have any pictures together yet." She pointed out._

" _Yeah, I guess you're right."_

" _I also don't have any pictures of just you." She smirked, taking a few more pictures._

" _That's not fair." He chuckled, acting dramatic. "The camera angles are all wrong and you aren't getting my good side."_

" _What are you even talking about, you goofball?" She laughed. "Every side is your good side."_

 _He stopped to stare at her for a moment. Then he put his hands on her face and slowly kissed her. "Luce?"_

" _Yeah?" She said in between kisses._

" _If you want pictures, we can take pictures."_

 _She pulled away and smiled, kissing him on the cheek. She got her phone ready and started to take a couple of pictures._

 _He surprised her by kissing her on the cheek during one of the pictures. Then he lightly grabbed her phone and threw it onto the nearby chair._

" _John, what are you doing?" She giggled._

 _He started kissing her neck, using his right hand to reach under her shirt to start unhooking her bra. "I think you know what I'm trying to do."_

He folded the photo in half and stuck it in his front pocket so it could be close to his heart today. He figured maybe it would bring him good luck. Taking another deep breath, he left the lounge to get started for the day.

"Carter!" Kerry called out, catching up to him. "Hey. Welcome back."

"Thanks." He gave her a small smile.

"So I'm sorry, but in order to facilitate your return, we need to implement a few rules."

"I thought that contract had all of the rules outlined." He said.

"Unfortunately it seems we have to add some more." Kerry told him.

"Ok." He closed his eyes so he could quell the urge to roll his eyes at her. "Such as?"

"You're only to do minor medical cases, no trauma. No suturing, no needles, no narcotics and absolutely no surgical procedures." She explained. -

"Uh, so what exactly does that leave me with?"

"The chance to practice medicine again." She answered. "Look, once you get back in the swing of things, you can resume a normal schedule and do procedures again. But until then, it's baby steps."

"Remember, you have to learn to crawl before you can walk." Dr. Romano interjected as he approached them.

Carter had to keep himself from laughing at Romano saying that to him since Lucy said it a few days ago.

"Dr. Carter, when did you get out?"

"A couple weeks ago." Carter replied. Romano just stared at him.

"Carter, why don't you take Mr. Griffin?" Kerry suggested, handing him a chart.

"Gluteal rash." Carter sighed, walking away. "Wonderful."

* * *

Lucy came out of the trauma room and literally ran into Carter. "Ooh! Sorry!" She chuckled.

"No worries." He smiled. "It was probably my fault anyway."

"So…you're back." She gave him a small smile. "Congratulations!"

"Yeah." He nodded. "It doesn't seem like anything that should be celebrated."

"How is it going so far?" She took a good look at him and could tell that he was frustrated.

"It's ok." He shrugged, then sighed. "Actually, it sucks. I'm not allowed to do anything. And I don't even have a locker anymore because they cleaned it out."

"I know it has to be rough." She told him. "Just try to give yourself a break and remember that it won't always be this way. Give it some time."

"I feel like that's all I'm doing lately…just giving things time." He sighed.

"It could be worse."

"Worse than an undefined period of unlimited scut work?" He laughed. "How is that?"

She leaned in a little closer. "They could have told you that you couldn't come back at all."

"That's true." He smiled. "Thanks Luce."

"Anytime." She said, going back upstairs since her consult was done.

* * *

"So Carter, how was your first day back?" Mark asked later that day.

"It was fine." Carter replied. "A little slow."

"Glad to hear it. And slow will be good for you at first." Mark nodded. "Finished up?"

"Yeah." Carter answered. "I am officially out of here."

"Just one last thing to do." Mark handed him a specimen cup.

"Sure." He sighed, walking to the restroom. He noticed that Mark was following him. "You coming with me?"

"I have to. That's the rules."

Carter went into the restroom with Mark right behind him.

"I'm sorry Carter, but I have to witness the entire process. Trust me, it's no treat for me either."

"It's fine." Carter shrugged. "Rules are rules."

It didn't take long for him to pee in the cup. He put the cup in the bag and handed it to Mark before washing his hands.

"Thank you Carter. I'll see you tomorrow." Mark said, leaving the restroom.

Carter looked at himself in the mirror. He knew that this whole mess was his own fault. He got addicted to pain pills and there was no one he could legitimately blame that on. And he knew that earning trust and getting back to the place he was at before wouldn't be easy. But he didn't realize it would be this hard.

After washing his hands, he went to the lounge and put his stuff away in Mark's locker. But he took out the picture from his coat. There were a couple of times today when he was feeling discouraged that he would take the picture out and look at it for a moment. The picture gave him hope…hope that things would be alright again someday. He shoved the picture in his pants pocket and slammed the locker.

The January air was chilly as he left the hospital. He had taken about ten steps away from the hospital when he heard his name.

"Carter!"

He turned to see Lucy sitting on the bench. She got up and hurried over to him.

"What are you doing out here?" He asked.

"I knew your shift was over soon so I waited for you." She told him.

"How long have you been out here? It's freezing."

"Only about ten minutes." She shrugged.

"Why did you wait for me?" He could see that she seemed nervous.

"Well…you survived your first day back and I know that earlier you were having a rough time." She explained. "I thought maybe…if you didn't have anything planned…you might want to go get ice cream to celebrate? Or pizza if you'd rather. Really any kind of food would be fine. It's my treat."

He couldn't help but smile. It was sweet that she would do that.

"Really?"

"Really." She nodded. "Unless you already had plans."

"No." He shook his head. "I already went to my NA meeting for the day. I was just going to go home and make a frozen dinner. Getting something with you would be much better than that."

"Well good. I'm glad I rank higher than frozen dinners." She smiled. "So what are you in the mood for?"

"Pizza?"

"Pizza it is." She nodded.

"We can take my jeep." He offered. "Then I can drive you home if you want."

"Sure." She said after pausing for a moment. "Let's go."

* * *

Later that night, Carter got ready for bed, putting on his pajama pants. Dinner was just what Carter needed after a rough first day back. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed so much. They ended up going to a small pizza place they went to quite often while dating. It was a small, hole in the wall restaurant. The pizza was average. The main attraction of the place was the owners.

They were a Canadian couple who fought almost constantly about everything. He and Lucy used to love coming to the place and watching them fight because inevitably, about halfway through the meal, the couple would end up making out near the cash register as if they were teenagers whose parents were going to be home at any moment to catch them.

It was fun to see and always amused them.

He thought back to when he dropped her off at her apartment after dinner.

" _Thank you for dinner." He told her as he stopped in front of her apartment building. "I didn't realize it, but I needed to laugh."_

" _I'm glad." She looked over and smiled at him. "Look, Carter, I am not even going to pretend I know what you are going through right now. I know it must be rough though and I can see the frustration written all over your face. Just remember that you can get through this. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just look at what you've already accomplished."_

" _The only thing I really accomplished was blowing up my life over some stupid decisions." He sighed._

" _No." She shook her head and put her hand on top of his. "Carter you've been through rehab, you have been going to meetings, you have a sponsor and you're going back to work. Those are good accomplishments."_

" _Why doesn't it feel like it's enough?" He asked._

" _I don't know." She sighed. "I really don't."_

 _He knew why though. While it was wonderful that he was back to work, even though he wasn't doing much, he still had one major part of his life that he had yet to reclaim. And that part was sitting less than two feet away from him right now._

" _But I have faith in you." She smiled. "You're going to be alright if you can just be patient."_

" _I'll do my best." He promised._

" _Goodnight Carter."_

" _Goodnight Lucy."_


	6. Valentine's Day

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Six

The next couple of weeks went fairly well for Carter. Weaver had started to let him run traumas, as long as he only had three patients at a time. But it was a start. He was still going to NA meetings every day and was getting closer to his sponsor. David was a good guy, and had been helping in several ways.

Then there was Lucy. They had unofficially made it a habit to go out to lunch or dinner once a week. They would also stop and chat if they had time when she came down to the ER for a consult. He loved those times with her. Though he wasn't sure he was making any progress getting her to consider becoming romantically involved with him again, he was enjoying the fact that they were feeling more comfortable around each other.

He was hoping that since they felt more comfortable around each other, they would be able to spend tomorrow together like they had agreed upon several months ago.

 _It was a rainy day. Lucy had the day off and had come over to spend the day with him. He still had about a week before he was going to be cleared to come back to work. Lucy had already gotten back into the swing of things and had started her surgical rotation. He was glad for her, but also a little jealous. At least he had gotten rid of the wheelchair and was using crutches though._

 _He was still in a lot of pain, and the pain pills didn't seem to help as much as he thought they should. But he kept plowing through the pain, hoping it would get better. Lucy's visits always helped. If she didn't have to work she spent almost the whole day with him. If she did have to work, she would usually come by before or after her shift and spend a couple of hours with him._

 _He felt bad that she was spending so much time with him while working so many hours, but she seemed to be ok with it and he couldn't bring himself to tell her to stop. Besides, they had fun together and he loved being able to see her._

 _Today they were watching TV while on the couch._

" _What do you want to watch?" She asked, flipping through the channels._

" _Doesn't really matter much to me." He told her as he looked over. "Hey, Do you ever think about what will happen next Valentine's Day?"_

 _He watched as she seemed to freeze. Then she turned off the TV and placed the remote on the coffee table._

" _Why would you think about that?" She asked quiety._

" _I don't know." He shrugged. "But Valentine's Day is going to happen whether we like it or not."_

" _Yeah, but not for several months!" She chuckled. "That's a problem for future Lucy and future Carter."_

 _He laughed. "How about I solve future Lucy and future Carter's problem right now?"_

" _How so?" She asked._

" _You promise that next Valentine's Day we spend pretty much the whole day together doing exactly what we are doing now…just hanging out together. We can order food in and watch crappy movies or TV." He suggested._

 _He could see she was thinking about it._

" _What if you have a girlfriend next year?" She asked in a soft voice. "She wouldn't like you spending Valentine's Day with another woman."_

 _He wanted to tell her that the only girlfriend he wanted was her. But he was worried that would scare her off. So he chose a different approach. "You may have a boyfriend then. But anyone either of us dates would have to realize that you and I are connected for life. Sorry. But you're never getting rid of me."_

" _That's ok." She smiled. "I don't really want to get rid of you."_

" _Well good." He winked at her. "So, next Valentine's Day. What do you say?"_

" _I say yes."_

He realized things were different now. A lot of things had changed. But maybe he could still get her to spend the day with him.

"Hey." He greeted as he approached Lucy at the surgical nurses' station.

"Hey." She greeted back, looking up from her chart. "What are you doing up here?"

"My shift starts in a few minutes and I came up to see if I could talk to you."

"What's up?" She asked, looking concerned. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing's wrong." He assured her. "I just…well the thing is…tomorrow is…you know."

"Yeah." She sighed. "I know."

"What are your plans?"

"My only plans are to be as far away from this hospital as possible and hope that everyone leaves me alone."

"That sounds like a pretty good plan." Carter laughed.

"What are your plans?"

"Well I have the day off too. So I was probably going to go to a meeting. I don't really have any other plans." He paused for a moment. "Are you really convinced that you want to be alone tomorrow?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Why?"

"Well maybe if you're going to be alone and I'm going to be alone, we could be alone together? Wasn't that the plan we made months ago?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "But that was a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. I wasn't sure if we were still doing that."

"I know a lot has changed since then." He acknowledged. "But I still think we should be together tomorrow."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" She scoffed.

"Why not?"

"With our history, do you really think it is a good idea for us to spend Valentine's Day together?" She laughed. "It's billed as the most romantic day of the year."

"I think with our history, we shouldn't be alone." He replied. "And we definitely shouldn't be alone on the first anniversary of what happened."

"I don't know, Carter…"

"What are you afraid of? Afraid I'll pull out some of my patented John Carter moves and you will be utterly hopeless to resist me?"

She burst out laughing. "Patented John Carter moves? Well I might be afraid of those if you actually had any. But you don't so I think I'm safe."

"What are you talking about?" He was confused. "Of course I have moves."

She smiled. "I hate to tell you this but you really don't."

"Yeah I do. I have moves." He was surprised she didn't understand that.

"No you don't." She shook her head.

"Then how do you explain the fact that I've used my moves on you before?" He wanted to see how she answered this question because he knew he had used moves on her them.

"What?" She rolled her eyes. "When?"

"That night…" He said, trying to jog her memory. "You know, the night we kissed?"

" _Are you sure that it is a good idea to have dinner out here?" Lucy asked as they started to eat the pasta she made them. "It looks like it is going to pour rain down any minute."_

" _It will be fine." Carter replied, getting a piece of garlic bread. He had insisted they eat on his balcony. "I know it looks like it will rain but I checked the forecast this afternoon and they said it would miss us. It should be going north of us."_

" _Ok then." She shrugged. She then raised her glass up. "I would like to propose a toast."_

" _Oh really?" He chuckled as he raised his glass of water up. "Why? What's the occasion?"_

" _Well, we've made it." She smiled. "I'm back at work and you just successfully completed your first week back. We're both back. We may not be 100% yet, but I think that we need to be proud of what we've done and celebrate it. I'm proud of you, Carter. I've been at your PT sessions…I know this recovery hasn't been easy for you at all…but you've still powered through it and you're getting better every day."_

" _So, here is my toast." She took a deep breath. "Here's to the greatest, strongest, most hard-working man I know. You inspire me on a daily basis with how you've handled this setback in your life and I don't know what I'd do without you."_

" _Luce…that means a lot to me." He told her, putting his hand on hers. "But you also forgot to mention that I'm the most charming and devilishly handsome man you know."_

" _Oh my God!" She laughed and playfully smacked his hand. "I was trying to be serious for a moment."_

" _I'm being serious too!" He laughed._

" _Fine." She smiled. "You are also the most charming and devilishly handsome man I know…as well as the most humble. How was that?"_

" _Perfect." He smiled. "Now it's time for my toast."_

" _No." She shook her head. "You really don't have to."_

" _I want to." He assured her. "Here's to you, Luce. Having you around these last two months or so has been the single greatest blessing I could have hoped for. You've been amazing and I know you think I've inspired you, but the truth is the opposite. I'm in awe of you, Luce. I really am. Every single day I thank God or whatever higher power there is that you are in my life."_

 _He would have gone on more but he saw that she was starting to get teary eyed and didn't want to make her cry._

" _Cheers." She said._

 _He smiled as they clinked their glasses together._

 _As soon as the glasses clinked, the sky seemed to open up and rain started pouring on them since Carter's balcony wasn't covered by an awning._

" _Ah!" Lucy squealed, standing up quickly. She saw he was fumbling around, trying to get his crutches so she walked to his chair. "Here. Just grab on to me. We'll come back out later when the rain has stopped for your crutches. But we should get inside as soon as possible."_

" _It's just a little rain." He laughed, taking her hand in order to stand up._

" _Carter, it's pouring out here." She laughed. "I'm already soaked and so are you. We should get inside."_

" _So if we are already soaked, then there's no rush in getting inside." He pointed out. Now that he was standing up, they were only inches away from each other. He looked into her eyes. "Luce?"_

" _Yeah?" She asked, looking into his eyes._

 _Without overthinking it, he placed his hands on the sides of her face and softly started kissing her. He was afraid she would pull away, slap him and walk out of his life. To his surprise and delight, she pushed herself up against him and wrapped her arms around his neck._

 _They stood there, making out and getting drenched by the downpour until they both needed to breathe. He pressed his forehead up against hers as he caught his breath. "I know you worked hard on making dinner. I'm sorry it's ruined."_

 _She laughed. "I honestly couldn't care less about that right now."_

" _Do you want to go inside and get out of these wet clothes?"_

" _Oh hell yeah." She smirked._

"I guess we will just have to agree to disagree about my moves." Carter sighed. "But if you truly believe that I have no moves, then you shouldn't have any reason not to spend Valentine's Day with me…unless you just hate me and can't stand to be around me."

"I don't hate you." She insisted.

"Then we can hang out tomorrow?" He asked.

"You're very persistent."

"Yeah, I know." He smirked. "It's one of my moves."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Ok. We can hang out tomorrow."

"Wonderful!" He smiled.

* * *

Lucy took a deep breath while she stood on Carter's doorstep the next day. She had spent the night worrying about it she was doing the right thing by coming today. She knew it was going to be a rough day and she was right. Her thoughts kept going back to the attack and it brought up feelings she didn't want to think about. So halfway through the night she gave up on sleeping and focused on baking instead.

It wasn't until she stopped that she realized she had made all of Carter's favorites. She didn't even realize that was what she was doing. She had just gone into her kitchen and started baking. She couldn't decide if it was pathetic or comical.

Either way, she was on his doorstep with her arms full of baked goods. It took her a moment to rearrange everything so she could knock.

Carter opened the door with a look of pure surprise. He laughed. "Lucy, what did you do?"

"I hope you're hungry for sweets." She laughed, grateful that he took the containers from her. "I couldn't sleep so I ended up baking."

He took the containers to his table and sat them down. Then he started going through them. "You made all of my favorites."

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

"I couldn't sleep last night either, but I just watched infomercials." He laughed. "I didn't do anything productive like you."

"So did you go to your meeting already?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I went to an early one and then my sponsor and I had breakfast."

"Good." She nodded.

"Do you mind if I have a cookie?" He asked.

"Go ahead." She consented.

"Do you want one?"

"Not right now." She shook her head. It was around noon and she had eaten a late breakfast. "So what do you want to do?"

"Let's just watch some TV." He suggested.

* * *

Later that day they were sitting up against the couch and eating Chinese food. "Do you mind if we talk about something kind of important?" He asked.

"Sure." She replied, picking up another egg roll. "What's on your mind?"

"Well I've been working the twelve steps and trying to stick to the program. I've talked to my sponsor about this a lot." He started. "But there are some things that happened I never told you about and I feel like I need to say them because I don't want there to be any secrets between us. Do you mind?"

"Ok. Go ahead."

He could tell she looked as nervous as he felt. But he had to tell her this as part of making amends. He wasn't sure how to start so he just took a deep breath and jumped in. "When you saw me take fentanyl in the trauma room, that wasn't my first time stealing medicine."

Her eyes went wide. "You stole more from the hospital?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"How many times?" She asked after pausing.

"At least a dozen times." He sighed. "It was morphine, fentanyl, and basically anything I could get my hands on when I needed a fix."

"Wow." She finally said after being silent for a long time.

"There's more though." He didn't want to tell her this next part but he had to. He didn't want there to be any secrets between them.

"More?" She scoffed. "More than you using the ER as your own personal drugstore?" She then covered her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry, Carter. That was harsh and uncalled for."

"No, it really wasn't once you hear what I'm about to say." He took a deep breath. "I was also stealing your pain medication."

She immediately removed her hands from her face and stared at him. "WHAT?"

He felt the need to explain more.

"I found your vicodin bottle by accident once when I stayed over at your apartment. I knew you were already off of them but you had almost a full bottle leftover. When you were in the other room I took one. Then every time we were at your place I would take one until the bottle was empty. Since you weren't using them, I didn't think it mattered. But it was wrong. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'm sorry."

He noticed she wasn't looking at him. She was staring at her plate. After several minutes went by without her saying anything, he started to get worried. "Lucy? Are you going to say anything?"

"I don't…" She paused. "I don't know what to say to you right now."

"That's understandable." He nodded. "I shouldn't have stolen pills from you or drugs from the hospital. I know that…I knew that then too, but I couldn't stop myself. It was a compulsion that I couldn't stop because I wasn't strong enough. All I wanted at that point was to get high."

"I must be the biggest idiot in the history of the entire world." She scoffed.

"No." He argued. "I think that title belongs to me."

"How long were you stealing drugs from me?"

He was ashamed to answer the question but did it anyway. "A few weeks."

She was quiet again for a moment. Then she started to laugh. It was almost a maniacal laugh, one that a cartoon villain would use when they were being carted away to a mental institution. "So for a few weeks you were taking medication from me to support your addiction and then you were stealing drugs from the ER and I was completely oblivious to something going on right in front of my eyes. That's what you are essentially telling me right now."

"Well it's a little more complicated than that…"

"No Carter. That is the simple version." She interrupted. "God, I almost wish you hadn't told me. I mean, I get why you felt you had to tell me though and I appreciate your honesty." She sniffled. "I'm sure it wasn't easy to say it. But you know, it was one thing to think that was your first time stealing drugs from the hospital…that maybe you hadn't gone too far down the rabbit hole of addiction…that maybe things weren't as bad as they could have been. But now…now I know just how badly I failed you and I don't know what to do with that knowledge."

"Hey." He objected, hating to see her cry. "Hey, this wasn't your fault. I made these choices. It's my fault." Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her, letting her head rest on his shoulder as she cried.

"Lucy, you didn't fail me."

"But I did!" She sobbed. "I should have seen the signs. I should have paid more attention to your nightmares and your mood swings. I just thought that your moods were because you were having second thoughts about our relationship. I didn't think for a second that you were doing drugs."

It broke his heart to see her crying and blaming herself for his addiction. It truly wasn't her fault but he didn't know how to convince her of that.

She pulled away from his embrace and stood up. "After the attack I promised myself that I wouldn't let anything else happen to you. And now I know that I was indirectly helping you score drugs to advance your addiction."

"Luce…"

"Can you please just get me some more water?"

He thought it was an odd request to make right now, but nodded anyway. He went over and picked up her glass, taking it into the kitchen with him. When he came back out, she was gone…along with her purse and coat.

"Dammit." He sighed, pulling out his cell phone. Just as he was about to push to dial her number, he got a text from her.

 _I'm sorry I had to leave. I just need some time alone._

He sighed and pushed to call her anyway but it went straight to voicemail. She had turned off her phone. This was not how he wanted today to go.


	7. The Chip

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Seven

Lucy spent a couple of hours just walking around Chicago, trying to clear her head. She turned off her phone as soon as the text went through to Carter because she knew he would try to either text her back or call her. But she just wanted and needed to be alone.

Her reaction to his admission wasn't fair to him. He was telling her something personal and she made it all about herself and her feelings. That wasn't the right thing to do and she was sorry about that.

To a certain extent she could understand him stealing drugs from the hospital. As an addict, she imagined the temptation to be great and at that point you could probably convince yourself that you weren't hurting anyone but yourself. Stealing from her was a different story.

Knowing the lengths he went to in order to get pain medicine to fuel his addiction exposed her to the depths of his problem. Up until now she had imagined that he had gotten help before he spun out of control. But the reality is he was completely out of control.

And she didn't see it.

She was the person who was closest to him. They practically lived together and spent the majority of their time together. But she didn't know what was going on.

Looking back now, she could see things that should have raised red flags. There were suspicious behaviors, outbursts for no apparent reason and mood changes. But then…then she was oblivious to it. She easily explained it all away as being nothing.

She felt stupid. She felt like she should have been able to see things clearer back then. But there was nothing she could do about the past. She did make some realizations about the future though.

He was honest with her about something that he knew would hurt her. So maybe it was time she was honest back.

After realizing that she couldn't walk around Chicago forever, she slowly made her way back to her apartment. At some point she would have to call Carter and apologize.

Rounding the corner to her apartment door, she saw Carter sitting outside her door. The sight of him there was both comforting and nerve-wracking at the same time. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall and seemed to be holding something small in his hands.

She approached him slowly. When he saw her, he jumped up.

"Hey." She greeted.

"Hey." He greeted back slowly. "Are you ok?"

"Let's go inside. My neighbors are nosy sometimes." She suggested, opening her door. "How long have you been out there?"

He looked at his watch. "A couple of hours."

Her heart sank at that admission. "I'm sorry. I went for a long walk and turned off my phone."

"You disappeared on me."

"Yeah." She nodded. "I needed to be alone for a while."

"You never answered my question. Are you ok?"

"I will be." She answered honestly. "But I do have to apologize. You told me this as a part of your recovery and what did I do? I made the whole thing about me. It wasn't fair to you."

"I don't care if things are fair to me." He shrugged. "I just want you to be alright."

She closed the gap between them and gave him a tight hug. "I'm sorry Carter. I should have seen what was going on with you sooner. I should have looked out for you better than I did."

"You don't have to be sorry."

She closed her eyes as his tightened his embrace of her and she put her head on his shoulder.

"I know you said you promised yourself you'd make sure nothing else bad happened to me. That's not realistic though. You can't put that pressure on yourself. It will destroy you." He told her. "Bad things are going to happen to me. Bad things will happen to you. But we just have to get through it."

"I just…"

"No." He interrupted, pulling back from her enough so he could look into her eyes. "Lucy..." he sighed. "I'm not letting you blame yourself for this. I did it to myself. I'm the one who took the drugs. I'm the one who got myself addicted to them. There was nothing you could have done differently."

"I…"

"No." He interrupted again. "I know you don't think you did enough. But you did everything. You helped me by reporting me when you saw I had a problem. You helped them get me into rehab. You helped motivate me every day in rehab."

He took something out of his pocket and offered it to her. "I want you to have this."

She took it and realized it was a NA chip.

"It's my five month chip." He explained.

"Why?" She asked. "Why give it to me?"

"Because whether you realize it or not, you mean everything to me. I have two motivations for staying sober. One is to get my life back on track and earn the trust of everyone again. The other is to get back to being the man you thought I was before all of this. I never want to see the look you had in your eyes that day." He explained.

She was quiet as he spoke. Even though he had gotten addicted to drugs, she still thought he was the same man as before—just a little more troubled. But he was working on his demons.

She wasn't sure what to do about his admission that she meant everything to him. She wasn't expecting that.

"Carter, you're still same man as before to me." She whispered, holding the chip tightly in her fist.

They stood there for a few minutes, just staring at each other. She wasn't sure what to say, and it seemed he didn't know either. He was so close to her. It wouldn't take much to lean in and kiss him, though she knew that wasn't a good idea.

After a moment, he started to smile and lean in. She knew what that look in his eyes meant. She had seen it hundreds of times before. He was going to kiss her is she didn't stop him.

"Carter…"

"Yeah?" He asked softly.

"No." She replied, breathlessly. "This isn't a good idea."

"Uh-huh."

"So we shouldn't…"

"Uh-huh." He nodded.

He didn't stop his seemingly slow motion lean in though and she couldn't seem to move away. He used one hand to gently cup her cheek and then placed a trio of soft kisses on her lips. Then he pulled away slightly and smiled.

Even though she knew it wasn't a good idea, she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He pressed his lips back on hers, this time using his tongue to explore her mouth. His hands moved around, one gently cupped her ass while the other one was on her back. Both hands were pushing her up against him as much as humanly possible but she didn't mind. She had almost forgotten how electrifying his kisses were.

She couldn't help but moan softly when he moved to start nipping at the spots on her neck that he knew would drive her wild. She let him guide her backwards until she found herself on her back on the couch with him on top of her.

His mouth went back to hers as his right hand started to make its way underneath her shirt. She closed her eyes and whimpered softly when his hand started to gently massage her breast.

But then she realized what she was doing and started to panic. She opened her eyes and found him staring at her. She pulled away, causing him to look confused. "We can't do this…" She whispered. "I can't do this…"

She saw the hurt look on his face as he got up and sat on the end of the couch. She got up too and sat on the wooden coffee table in front of him. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." He shrugged.

"No, it's not." She argued, letting out a deep sigh. "I'm not ready for something like that. And I don't think you are either."

"Like I said, it's fine."

"Carter…"

"It's fine!" He said a little louder.

She didn't know how to make him understand what was going on in her mind because her mind was jumbled. A part of her just wanted to throw caution to the wind, take him into her bedroom and let him do whatever he wanted to her for as long as he wanted. But that wasn't a good idea for a couple of reasons.

The first was that he was still recovering. Five months of sobriety was wonderful and something to be celebrated. But everything she read said not to get into a relationship until you hit the one year mark and that was still seven months away.

The second was the fact that she didn't know what their previous relationship was anymore. Were they together after the attack just because they found solace in each others' company? She knew that wasn't what it was for her, but she couldn't be sure about Carter. He just told her that she meant everything to him, but that was a dangerous thing for an addict. And did he truly mean it or was he just swapping one addiction for another?

She also wasn't sure if she could handle a relationship right now. After everything that had happened this past year and while Carter was in rehab, she felt empty in many ways.

"Carter." She called his name but he wouldn't look at her. He just kept staring at the ground. She finally raised his chin so they could make eye contact. "Hey. I'm sorry. Can I explain? Or at least try to?"

"You don't have to" He shook his head. "I understand why you stopped. You don't care about me like that anymore." He whispered. "I got it now."

He went to stand up and she closed her eyes. "Shit." She sighed. "How come everything I do ends up making things worse?"

"I'm sorry I made you spend today with me. You were right. It wasn't a good idea." Carter apologized as he headed towards the door.

She had to hurry but got to the door before he did, body blocking him. "You're not leaving yet."

"Lucy, please move."

"Nope." She shook her head. "I'm staying right here so you can't leave until we talk."

"You do realize that I could pick you up and move you myself, right?" He couldn't help but chuckle.

She smirked. "You could try that…but I know where your most ticklish spot is and I'll exploit it if I have to."

He seemed to be debating with himself for a moment about whether he would take a chance on moving her. Finally he sighed. "Ok. Fine. We'll talk. How about we talk the weather?"

"Nope." She shook her head. "That's not the talk I wanna have."

"Lucy…"

"Please shut up and listen for just a moment, ok? Because I have stuff I need to say but it's probably going to come out all jumbled and I'll probably ramble." She asked.

She started to talk again after he nodded his head. "Here's the thing. I do care about you. I care about you even more than I did yesterday and I'll probably end up caring more about you tomorrow than I did today. Because I can't stop caring about you. There's no switch I can flip to change that and make things easier. And yeah, sometimes I wish that switch existed because since I care about you so much, I worry about you constantly."

She took a deep breath. "But I can't help it. I do worry about you constantly. I worry if you are still going to meetings…I worry if you are working too hard and pushing yourself too hard…I worry that you aren't leaning on your sponsor enough…but the thing I worry about the most is that you will relapse and I'll be the cause of it. I'm extremely proud of you for making it five months and I know you can continue that streak. But I still worry all the time. And the last thing I want to do is impede your progress."

"I've read books about what to do with recovering addicts and I've gone to the Nar-anon meetings…they all say don't get into a relationship until you've been clean for a year. I don't think you're truly ready to be in a relationship again, and I know I'm not. Does that make any sense at all?" She asked.

She watched as a smile formed on his face.

"You still care about me?"

She chuckled and rolled her eyes. "That's your main takeaway from what I said?"

"No, but it is the part I want to dwell on because it made me the happiest." He answered honestly.

She smiled. "Carter…"

"I really thought that maybe everything I put you through…everything that I said to you…that maybe it had ruined everything…that you wouldn't be able to care about me anymore." He confessed as a smirk formed on his face. "But apparently you care more for me now?"

She shook her head. "Sometimes I forget that you have a big ego and I shouldn't feed it."

"You went to Nar-anon meetings?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I went to a bunch while you were in rehab and a few more once you got out. I wanted to know what I could do and how I could best help you."

He was silent for a moment and she wondered what he was thinking. Maybe she shouldn't have told him about the Nar-anon meetings. Maybe that was too much.

"Lucy, the fact that you would do those things for me…it means the world to me." He told her, grabbing her hand. "But I really feel like I am ready to try a relationship."

She shook her head. "Carter, I'm not sure it is a good idea. You're only at five months."

"So you care about me…I care about you…but you're going to make us wait seven more months for an arbitrary date to come and go?"

When he said it like that, it didn't make much sense. But she knew that it was the best thing for him. "Yes."

He sighed. "Lucy…"

"Carter, look. Here's the deal. We can either be friends for now and not let what happened earlier happen again, or we can go our separate ways until you're farther along in your recovery. The choice is yours." She hated having to be so strict with him about this but it was for his own good.

He was quiet for a moment. "I'm going to wear you down before these seven months are done. I've got some sweet moves I can bring out."

She couldn't help but smile at his confidence in his so-called moves. Then she saw him get closer to her. "What are you doing?"

"If it might be another seven months before I can do this again, I better make it count now." Without letting her respond, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her up against him. Then he kissed her slowly, gently probing her mouth with his tongue. He gently picked her up and turned around before letting her down.

When he pulled away, she found that she wasn't up against the door anymore.

"That will tide me over for a while." He smirked, opening her door. "Happy Valentine's Day, Luce."

She watched as he left and chuckled. Then she picked up the NA chip that had fallen on the floor and pressed it to her lips.


	8. Easy Button

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Eight

"Thanks for letting me come by early today. I have a shift in about an hour." Lucy smiled as she entered Betty's house.

"It's no problem." Betty replied, leading Lucy to the living room. "David is off at his meeting so we have the house to ourselves. I made some tea."

"Thanks." Lucy replied, taking off her coat and sitting on the couch.

"So…I assume this is about you spending the day with Carter?"

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "He told me he had stolen more medicine from the hospital before I caught him and he had also stolen medicine from me when we were going out."

"Wow."

"I can't believe I didn't see it when it happened right under my nose." Lucy groaned. "How was I that blind?"

"You didn't think he was capable of it." Betty told her. "It's understandable. I didn't see David's addiction until almost a year after it started."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah." Betty nodded. "I didn't tell you this story?"

"No." Lucy shook her head.

"Well you know he got addicted to pain meds after the car accident. I didn't think for a second he would ever get addicted to the pain pills and I thought he took them for a month before he stopped because that's what he told me. But one day I had to drive his car and I went looking for a pen in the glove compartment. I found about a dozen different bottles with several different pills in them."

"Oh no."

"So I took them all inside and confronted him about it that night. He got very angry and started yelling. He then punched his hand through a window. While I was removing the glass from his knuckles he finally broke down and admitted he had a problem. I got him into rehab the very next day."

Betty sighed. "I guess the point I'm trying to make is there are always signs that something is wrong. Looking back I can clearly see the signs that he was in trouble. But it's not always clear when you are in that moment. Sometimes things don't make sense until after you have all of the pieces of the puzzle."

"Did you ever blame yourself for not seeing it sooner?" Lucy asked. "Because I can't help but blame myself."

"I blamed myself for about a year after he went to rehab. But the truth is that you can't change the past and you aren't responsible for what someone else does or doesn't do. It's a hard truth to reconcile, but you'll be happier if you do." Betty explained.

"Thanks." Lucy gave her a small smile.

"Did something else happen? You seem a little off today."

Lucy shouldn't have been surprised that Betty was so intuitive. "I kind of admitted to him that I still care about him after we made out."

She was waiting for Betty to admonish her for making out with Carter. But the woman just stayed quiet and drank her tea. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes." Betty nodded. "I heard you."

"And you don't see anything wrong with it?"

"You seem to." Betty pointed out.

"You know I don't think it's a good idea for Carter and I to start anything until after the one year mark."

"I know."

"Do you think that is wrong of me?" Lucy asked.

"I don't know." Betty replied honestly. "I understand the reasoning behind it. I really do, and I think in theory it is a good guideline to follow for recovering addicts. But I know you Lucy. You may not want to admit it to anyone…even me…but you are head over heels in love with that man. If you can wait the whole year, congratulations. But if you can't, just be careful."

Betty was right. She was head over heels in love with Carter, but she didn't want to admit it to anyone.

* * *

"So how did Valentine's Day go?" David asked as they sat down for coffee.

Although they had seen each other at the NA meeting yesterday, Carter had to rush to work and didn't have time to explain what happened. He laughed. "It was horrible and wonderful at the same time."

"Did you tell Lucy about…"

"Yeah." Carter interrupted.

"How did she respond?"

"She blamed herself." Carter sighed. "I didn't know that she was harboring so much guilt about her role in my addiction. I mean, she shouldn't be feeling guilty. But she does."

He paused for a moment and smiled. "She also told me that she still cares about me. She worries about me all the time. Did Betty ever say anything like that to you?"

"Hell yeah." David chuckled. "Betty still worries about me, though I think she worries less every day I stay sober. But I don't think that ever truly goes away."

"Let me ask you something else. Do you think that it is necessary to wait the whole year after starting recovery to be in a relationship?"

"I think it depends." David replied. "But usually, yes. Why? You want to start something up with Lucy?"

"I want to continue our relationship." Carter corrected him.

"Didn't you break up with her before you went to rehab?"

"I was upset and I said things I didn't mean." Carter sighed. "I didn't mean to break up with her."

"But you did break up with her." David pointed out. "So a relationship with her would be a new one."

"It's a technicality. When you got out of rehab, did you and your wife wait a year before being in a relationship?" Carter asked, trying to prove a point.

David laughed. "No. But that was different. We were married. There was no escaping each other."

"I don't see a difference."

"Well there is a big difference." David sighed. "Besides, it wasn't easy to be recovering and trying to mend my relationship with Betty. There were many times I thought that I was going to slide back into my old habits."

"But you didn't."

"No." David shook his head. "Thankfully I didn't."

"Lucy said she wants to wait until I've been sober for a year before we can even think of getting back together."

"That's probably a good idea." David stated.

"It's a horrible idea!" Carter argued. "I know I could be in a relationship with her now and still maintain my sobriety."

"Ok." David sighed again. "Tell me why you feel that way."

"I miss her." Carter admitted. "I miss everything we used to have together. I miss spending time with her and going to sleep with her in bed next to me. I miss seeing her toothbrush on the counter next to mine. I miss being able to kiss her anytime I want."

"You have her friendship back and that seems to be going well." David pointed out. "Why can't that be enough for now?"

Carter sighed. "Every part of my life now is different…work…my free time…my friends…Lucy…nothing is the same anymore. There are all of these new rules and restrictions. I mean, I get it. I messed up royally by allowing myself to get addicted to pain medicine. I did that and I have to live with that craving for the rest of my life."

"But I've done everything that has been asked of me. I've gone to rehab…I've done the program…I've signed the contract in order to come back to work…I've agreed to every stupid restriction and rule they have placed on me…I've peed in a cup for random drug testings whenever they ask. But it still doesn't feel like it's enough. When is it ever enough? When do things turn around? When can I easily get what I want? When do things stop being hard and become easy again?"

"Getting what you want easily is what got you in this mess to begin with." David pointed out. "There is no easy button anymore."

"Screw you!" Carter yelled, not caring that the other people in the diner were looking at him now. "Why aren't you on my side here?"

"Believe it or not, I am on your side." David laughed. "But I've got some bad news for you, Carter. Things are never going to be easy again. Actually, when things become easy for you is when you need to haul your ass back to a meeting ASAP."

"So my life is just going to be an endless cycle of beating my head up against a wall?" Carter asked. "That's great. You know, you're really killing it at this whole sponsor thing. Maybe you should write a book."

David laughed again. "Look, I'm just telling you the truth. There isn't an hour that goes by where I don't think about taking something at least once. It never gets easier. And I understand your frustration. You want to speed into the future where everything is back to normal and you can pretend that this never happened. News flash though…it did happen and it's not going to go back to normal."

"You're going to find a new normal though. I don't know what that will look like for you yet, but it will happen. You just have to be patient."

"I've been patient!" Carter argued.

"It's been five months." David pointed out. "And three of those months you were away in rehab. So you've only been back for two months."

"Thanks for the math lesson."

"You can be a smart ass to me all you want." David said with a smile. "But deep down you know I'm right."

"I've done everything they want from me at work but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I just still see it in everyone's faces that they wonder if certain things are going to trigger me to relapse. They don't trust me as much as they used to." Carter sighed.

"Trust is something that takes a short amount of time to break and a much longer time to repair."

"Did you read that on a fortune cookie?" Carter chuckled.

"No." David shook his head. "It's a David original. In many ways, you should be glad you were able to come back to work at all. Stealing medicine from the hospital could have landed you in jail and they could have petitioned to take away your medical license."

"I know." Carter agreed. "But…"

"You're impatient." David said. "I get it. But focusing on what you don't have isn't going to help you. Instead, I want you to list four positive things you have in your life right now."

"Really?" Carter scoffed.

"Really." David replied. "Go."

"Ok." Carter didn't have to think about it long to come up with three things. "My sobriety, Lucy, you and my job."

"See? Not so hard, was it?"

"But with half of those, I'm not in the place I want to be. I want to be back to where I was with Lucy and my job."

"And that's the goal to work towards." David replied. "Where did you leave things with Lucy the other day?"

"We're still going to be friends I guess…" Carter sighed. "But she isn't returning my calls or texts."

"Give her some time." David advised. "You said you didn't realize how much guilt she has about your addiction. Have you thought at all about how hard things were for her when you were gone?"

"No." He shook his head.

"I like you, Carter. I think you are good guy, and I think you have the potential to stay sober for a very long time as long as you stick to the program and remain patient. But you can't make Lucy be the thing that holds you together and that's what it feels like you are trying to do here."

"It's not." He objected.

"I guess time will be the judge of that." David said.

* * *

Lucy watched as Elizabeth wrote in her chart. The other woman was holding her hand over her mouth and Lucy knew that look. "Are you ok Dr. Corday? You don't look so good today."

"I'm fine Lucy. Really…I just..." She sighed. "Oh what the hell. Can you keep a secret?"

"Of course." Lucy replied.

"Ok. I've told Mark this, but I haven't told Romano or anyone else for that matter." She leaned in closer. "I'm pregnant."

"Wow." Lucy said, forcing a smile on her face. "Congratulations."

"Thank you." Elizabeth replied. "It's come as a bit of a shock though I'm afraid."

"That's understandable." Lucy nodded.

"And unfortunately I seem to be suffering from some morning sickness."

"Oh. Saltine crackers and peppermints work really well for that." Lucy volunteered without hesitation. She then noticed Elizabeth looking at her questioningly. "I've heard that from friends of mine."

"Alright." Elizabeth nodded. "I may have to try that. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Lucy smiled. "And don't worry. You're secret is safe with me."

She watched as Elizabeth took off and sighed. She was of course happy for Elizabeth and Mark. But she also was reminded of the past.

" _Do you have it?" Lucy asked Betty as the woman came in her door._

" _Yes, of course I do." Betty laughed. "You know, the sales clerk looked at me like I had grown a second head. Apparently he hasn't seen many women my age buying pregnancy tests."_

" _I imagine not." Lucy laughed._

" _Is there a specific reason why you sent me to do this instead of just getting a blood test done at the hospital? It would have been easier and the blood test would have been more accurate." Betty asked._

" _But then it would leak to everyone I work with." Lucy pointed out. "Look, they were already witness to Carter freaking out and breaking up with me. I already seem like the pathetic girl who couldn't hang on to him. I don't want people to start speculating about whether or not I am pregnant with his child."_

" _If you are pregnant, they will eventually find out though." Betty pointed out._

" _Yeah. But if I'm not then they don't have to know it was even a possibility."_

" _Ok." Betty handed the bag to her. "Here you go. One pregnancy test."_

" _Thank you." Lucy smiled before walking to the bathroom. "I do appreciate it!"_

" _You're welcome!"_

 _Lucy went into the bathroom, opening the package and reading the directions. She promptly peed on the stick and took it out to the living room to wait the two minutes with Betty._

" _What are you going to do if it is positive?" Betty asked. "Are you going to have the baby?"_

 _Lucy stayed quiet for a moment. "I don't know."_

 _They were quiet the rest of the time. Lucy took a deep breath and then looked at the test strip.  
_

" _Shit."_

 _Betty looked over and smiled. "Congratulations." Lucy didn't say anything so Betty spoke again. "What are you thinking?"_

 _Lucy couldn't say anything. She instead started to cry._

 _Betty immediately hugged her. "It's ok. Everything will be alright."_

" _How?" Lucy cried. "I'm pregnant and the father is currently away in rehab. I can't even tell him about this baby. Oh, and then there is the fact that he broke up with very publically before he went to rehab and probably hates me because I'm the one who ratted him out to his bosses, which caused him to have to go to rehab in the first place. That's not to mention that this isn't exactly the best timing for my career either."_

" _There is no perfect time." Betty interjected._

" _I know." Lucy said, pulling away from the hug and standing up. She started to pace. "I just…shit. I thought we were practicing safe sex. I guess I was wrong."_

" _What are you going to do?"_

" _I'm keeping the bay. I can't get rid of a baby that is half me and half Carter. But I don't know how it's all going to work. God, how am I going to tell Carter about this? What am I going to do about work? And money? And who will watch the baby while I work? This is too much…"_

" _Slow down." Betty advises. "You have time. You don't have to figure out everything right now. And I can help you get through this."_

" _Thank you. Something tells me that this isn't going to be the last time I freak out about this."_

" _No." Betty laughed. "I don't suppose it will be."_

* * *

"How are you doing today, Carter?"

Carter looked up and saw Mark walking towards him. "I'm just fine but I'm actually getting ready to head out for the day."

"Want to make a stop in the restroom first?" Mark asked, holding up a specimen cup.

Carter sighed. "Another random test?"

"Yeah." Mark nodded. "You know the drill."

"Yeah." Carter replied. "Let's go."

It was slightly awkward on the walk to the restroom.

"Carter, we're friends…right?" Mark asked as they entered the restroom.

"You've witnessed some of my more private moments lately." Carter laughed. "I would say that alone would have made us friends by now. But of course we are. At least I'd like to think we are."

"Can I tell you something in confidence and get your advice?"

"Of course." Carter nodded.

"Well…the thing is…Elizabeth is pregnant."

"Oh wow!" Carter smiled. "Congratulations! I didn't even know you two were trying."

"We weren't." Mark shook his head. "It came completely out of the blue. Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled at the prospect of having a baby with her. I just always thought that if we had a child we would be married first."

"So what's the problem?"

"Do you think it would be ok if I asked her to marry me? Or do you think she would think I was only asking because she is pregnant?"

"I think you are overthinking this." Carter explained. "You love her. She obviously loves you. You're going to have a baby together. If you want to propose, you should just go for it. Hell, you could even get married the same day at City Hall if you wanted to. Life is short and if you have found the person you want to spend your life with, you should do whatever you can to make that happen."

"Thanks Carter." Mark smiled. "That helps."

"Glad to be of service." Carter replied, taking the specimen cup.

* * *

The next day, Lucy approached the front desk. "Hey Jerry, I was paged down here for a consult. Do you know what patient it is for?"

"No." Jerry shook his head. "I didn't know anyone needed a consult."

"Oh good!" Elizabeth said, coming out of the lounge and seeing Lucy. "You're here."

"What's up?"

"In here please." Elizabeth asked, pointing to the lounge.

Lucy slowly followed Elizabeth into the lounge, wondering what was going on. She saw that Mark and Carter were already in the lounge sitting down. "What's this about?" It was weird to have this group of people together and she was getting a little nervous.

"Well Mark and I have something to ask you both. We are getting married. And since you two are the only ones who know about the baby, we were wondering if you would be our witnesses tomorrow for our wedding at City Hall." Elizabeth explained.

"It would mean a lot to us." Mark interjected.

"Oh." Lucy was relieved that this was the reason she was paged. "Well sure. I'd love to, and I'm off tomorrow so it would be fun."

"Yeah." Carter nodded. "I'm off too. Count me in."

"Excellent." Elizabeth smiled. "We'll text you exact times and info later. Thank you guys." She motioned for Mark to follow her out of the lounge.

Lucy smiled at Carter after Mark and Elizabeth left. The she turned to leave.

"You've been dodging me." He stated quietly.

She turned back around to face him. "I haven't. I have just been really busy…ok no. That's a lie. I have been ignoring you and that isn't nice. I just don't know what to say."

"You could say John, I can't live without you anymore. Let's throw out that arbitrary rule and go for it together."

She chuckled. "Nice try."

"I had to. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." He smirked. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright." She replied. "And you?"

"Same. It's wonderful news for those two, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "I just hope it all works out for them."

"They seem to love each other. I don't see why it wouldn't." Carter said.

"Sometimes love isn't enough though." She pointed out. "Sometimes things happen that no one can control and it rips you apart into tiny pieces."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah." She lied. "I'm fine."

"Lucy, what's going on with you?"

She wanted to tell him everything that was going through her head, but she couldn't find the words. Ever since Elizabeth told her about being pregnant, she was bombarded by her emotions from the past. Maybe the wounds were too fresh for her to be completely happy for Elizabeth and Mark because a part of her was jealous.

But she couldn't tell Carter about any of this because she didn't know how he would react to it.

"Nothing's going on." She lied again. "I should get back upstairs. I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

She left the lounge before he could ask her anything else.


	9. It Was Fun

It Won't Come Easily Chapter Nine

" _Thanks for coming down and taking a look at the patient, Dr. Benton." Lucy said as they exited the trauma room. "I really couldn't figure out if he needed surgery or not."_

" _It's ok. Those types of injuries are always tricky." Peter sighed. "But now you know what to look for."_

" _Absolutely." She said. Then she noticed he was looking at her strangely. "What?"_

" _Are you ok?" He asked._

" _Of course I am." She lied._

" _I only ask because the past week or two you've seemed out of it. You're not really making mistakes, but you're clearly distracted and losing your focus." He lowered his voice. "Is it about Carter?"_

 _She wasn't sure what to say. It was partially about Carter, but it was more about the baby. She had gone to the doctor two weeks ago after taking the pregnancy test with Betty and found out she was actually already eight weeks pregnant. So now she was ten weeks pregnant and still in shock about the whole thing._

 _He was right when he said she wasn't focused on work. She knew she was zoning out at times and knew she had to stop because while it hadn't led her to make any mistakes yet, it could very easily and she wanted to avoid that at all costs._

 _She was happy and kind of excited about the prospect of becoming a mom, but the details of how it would all work out and Carter's reaction to it were making her nervous. And she hadn't told anyone either. So that added to her nervousness._

" _No. I'm really fine." She assured him. "I'm sorry I've been distracted. I'll do better."_

" _Alright." He nodded. "You can talk to me if you need to though."_

" _Thanks." She gave him a smile before he walked away._

 _That's when she heard arguing behind her. She turned and saw Mark and Kerry facing off in the hallway._

" _I don't want that guy in this ER." Mark argued. "Move him. Now!"_

" _We can't cherry pick what patients come in here, Mark." Kerry argued. "I don't want him here anymore than you do but the paramedics brought him here and we can't refuse him. We're a county hospital and have to be open to all patients."_

" _Not ones that almost kill our staff!" Mark yelled. "There has to be a line that we don't cross. And if you won't kick him out, then at least let me put him in restraints so he doesn't hurt anyone else while he is here."_

 _When she heard that, she immediately knew who they were talking about. She gulped. Her heart began to race and she could feel herself sweating. Without thinking it through, she found herself walking towards Mark and Kerry._

" _Lucy…" Kerry said. "Um, why don't you go back up to surgery for a while?"_

" _He's here…isn't he?" She asked._

" _Who?" Mark said, playing dumb._

" _Sobriki." Just the sound of his name on her lips made her want to throw up. But she had to know. It was some morbid fascination that she couldn't explain._

" _Yeah." Kerry replied softly. "I'm sorry. But the paramedics…"_

" _Where is he?" She asked._

" _I don't think it's a good idea for you to see him…"_

" _Where is he?" She repeated, this time a little louder._

" _Exam room two." Kerry replied._

 _Lucy didn't say anything else as she headed to exam room two. She did hear Kerry tell Mark to go with her though. She took a deep breath as she opened the door and came face to face with the man who almost permanently destroyed her life and could have killed Carter._

 _She took a certain amount of pleasure in the fact that he started to squirm and look nervous when he saw her._

" _Wh—what are you doing here?" Paul Sobriki asked. "Are you my doctor?"_

" _No." Lucy shook her head. "I'm not here to help you. In fact, I wouldn't pour water on you even if you were on fire. I just came in to show you that you have no power over me anymore. I'm not afraid of you."_

" _I wasn't…wasn't in my right mind when I did that to you or your friend." He said. "But I'm good now. I take medicine, lots and lots of medicine."_

" _No amount of medicine can make up for what you did." She told him, realizing that if she stayed in the room much longer she would do something she regretted. She was disgusted with the legal system when they plea bargained him into not getting any jail time in exchange for six months in a mental hospital._

 _This man almost killed them, caused them emotional and physical pain, but didn't get any real punishment. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. She closed her eyes, shook her head and walked out of the room. As soon as she was away from the doorway she started to run, not stopping until she got to the restroom._

 _She knew what was happening…it was a panic attack. She had them a few other times since the attack. They all were the same. She would hear the music that was blasting at the time in her head and then every time she closed her eyes she would see Carter helplessly laying on the floor covered in blood._

 _She tried to catch her breath but was having problems doing so. Her hands also couldn't stop shaking so she grabbed on to the sides of the sink in order to try and steady them._

 _She didn't notice someone else come into the restroom until she felt around her shoulders. Looking over, she saw Kerry standing next to her._

" _Just breathe through it." Kerry told her. "You're ok. Just take some deep breaths."_

 _She tried to catch her breath…tried to take deep breaths. After a few minutes that seemed like an eternity, she felt her breathing go slightly back to normal. A few minutes later she was back to normal again._

" _There. That's better." Kerry said._

" _Thank you." Lucy said, closing her eyes for a second. "I just…"_

" _You don't have to explain." Kerry interrupted. "I'm sorry you had to know he was here."_

" _It's not your fault." Lucy shrugged. "Like you said, we can't say no to a patient because we don't like him."_

" _Still…I'm sorry." Kerry apologized again. "Are you going to be alright?"_

" _I'll be fine." Lucy assured her._

Lucy sat straight up in bed, drenched in sweat. Hearing that Elizabeth was pregnant was messing with her mind and making her think about things she didn't want to think about. But she couldn't help it. Looking at the clock, she saw that it was 6:20am. Although it was her day off and she didn't have to meet Elizabeth until 12 to shop for dresses, she decided to get up anyway.

* * *

"Carter, you have the rings, right? I gave them to you?" Mark asked for the fifth time as they stood outside the room where he would get married once Elizabeth and Lucy arrived.

"Yeah." Carter laughed. "I have them right here in my pocket."

"Good." Mark replied.

"Are you a little nervous?"

"Maybe just a little." Mark laughed. "I don't even know why. I've been married before. I know what the ceremony will be like."

"Well if you have second thoughts during the ceremony, just find a way to casually say pineapple and I'll help you create a diversion so you can escape." Carter smirked.

Mark laughed. "Thanks, but I don't think I'll need that."

"We aren't late, are we?" Lucy asked as she rushed into the hallway with Elizabeth behind her.

Carter turned and couldn't help but stare at Lucy. She was wearing a dark blue cocktail dress with spaghetti straps and she looked beautiful. Now he understood Elizabeth's request that he wear a dark blue dress shirt underneath his suit jacket. She wanted him to match Lucy's dress.

"No. You aren't late. The judge hasn't come out yet." Mark said, going over and kissing Elizabeth. "You look absolutely radiant."

"You don't look so bad yourself." Elizabeth smiled.

Carter noticed that Lucy was staring off into space and wondered what she was thinking. He walked over to her. "You look beautiful, Luce."

"Thanks." He could have sworn she was blushing. "You cleaned up pretty nicely too."

"I tried my best." He smirked. He was going to say something else but the judge came out of the room.

"Corday and Greene?" The judge called out.

"We're here." Mark said, grabbing Elizabeth's hand and walking into the room.

Carter looked at Lucy and held out his arm for her to take. "Shall we?"

"Sure." She smiled, linking her arm with his and walking into the room.

"Ok. I'm Judge Thompson. I will be officiating the wedding ceremony today." He pointed in front of him. "I need the bride and groom to stand here and here, respectively."

Carter watched at Mark and Elizabeth stood in the places the judge told them to. Then he moved over to stand behind Mark, while Lucy stood behind Elizabeth.

"Are we ready to begin?" Judge Thompson asked.

"Yes." Elizabeth answered.

"Ok. We are gathered here today to celebrate one of life's greatest moments—the joining of two people in bonds of marriage. We give recognition to the worth and beauties of love as you vow to love and support each other. Mark Greene, do you take Elizabeth Corday to be your wife? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her, forsaking all others and holding only unto her?"

"I do." Mark smiled.

"Elizabeth Corday, do you take Mark Greene, to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all other and holding only unto him?"

"I do." Elizabeth said.

"Do you have rings to exchange?" Judge Thompson asked.

"Yes." Carter spoke up, getting the rings out of his pocket and handing them to the happy couple.

Judge Thompson looked at Mark. "Please repeat after me and slide the ring on her finger. "I, Mark Greene, take thee, Elizabeth Corday, to be my wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer for as long as we both shall like. With this ring I thee wed."

Mark put the ring on Elizabeth's hand. "I, Mark Greene, take thee, Elizabeth Corday, to be my wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer for as long as we both shall like. With this ring I thee wed."

Judge Thompson then turned to Elizabeth. "Please repeat after me and slide the ring on her finger. "I, Elizabeth Corday, take thee, Mark Greene to be my husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer for as long as we both shall like. With this ring I thee wed."

Elizabeth smiled widely as she slid the ring on Mark's finger. "I, Elizabeth Corday, take thee, Mark Greene to be my husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer for as long as we both shall like. With this ring I thee wed."

"Love should be the core of your marriage and love is the reason you are here. But it will take trust to know in your hearts you want the best for each other. It will take dedication to stay open to one another; to learn and to grow together even when it is not always easy to do. It will take faith, to be willing to go forward tomorrow, never really knowing what tomorrow will bring. In addition, it will take commitment, to hold true to the journey you are undertaking. By the power vested in me by the state of Illinois, I now declare you to be husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

Carter watched as Mark and Elizabeth embraced, then looked over at Lucy. She looked happy for her friends, but there was an expression on her face that he couldn't figure out.

Mark took out his cell phone and looked at the judge. "Would you mind maybe taking a picture of the four of us?"

"Sure." Judge Thompson replied.

Carter stood by Mark, while Lucy stood by Elizabeth. The judge took the picture and then gave Mark the phone back.

"Can we get a picture with you and Lucy?" Mark asked.

"Sure." Carter said. He motioned for Lucy to come over to where he was. When she got to him, he put his arm around her waist smiled for the picture. Then he took the phone from Mark and took a few pictures of him with Elizabeth.

"Thank you." Mark told the judge after the paperwork had been signed.

"You're welcome." Judge Thompson replied. "Good luck to you."

The four of them exited the room.

"Congratulations." Lucy smiled, hugging both Mark and Elizabeth.

"We can't thank you two enough for helping us pull this off." Elizabeth replied.

"We were happy to help, right Luce?" Carter spoke up.

"Of course!" Lucy smiled.

"Well if you will excuse us, I think my new bride and I are going to go celebrate. I have a few surprises planned." Mark smiled.

"Oh, surprises?" Elizabeth laughed. "Well lead the way them."

"Bye!" Lucy called after them as they left. She then looked over at Carter.

"So what do you want to do now?" Carter asked. "It's only 4."

"I don't know." Lucy shrugged. "I was going to just go back home."

Carter smirked. "We could always go in there and get married."

Lucy started to laugh. "Wait…are you serious? You're proposing?"

"Of course I am." He assured her. "It would be easy for us to get married right now."

"You're insane." She chuckled.

"What's so wrong with the idea?"

"Lots of things." She sighed. "Like the fact we aren't even dating!"

"That's because of some arcane rule you have chosen to follow." He pointed out.

"I'm not having this conversation with you right now." She shook her head.

"Ok." He conceded. "If you don't want to get married, how about an early dinner? We're all dressed up anyway."

She was quiet for a moment. "I guess dinner would be ok."

"Great." He smiled. "I know just the perfect place."

* * *

A short time later they were seated at a fancy steakhouse . "Order whatever you want. It's on me." Carter said.

"You don't have to." Lucy protested.

"Yeah I do." He insisted. "I'm the one who invited you out."

She wanted to argue, but realized it wouldn't do any good at this point. So she would let him pay for dinner. "Ok. Thank you."

"You're welcome." He smiled at her.

After they both ordered, she noticed he was staring at her. "What?"

"Would you like to dance with me? As friends?"

She looked over to the almost empty dance floor and then back at him. "Sure. Why not?"

He held his hand out for her to take and then led her to the dance floor. She felt him wrap his arm around her waist so she put her hand on his back as they danced.

"Do you remember the last time we danced like this?" He asked.

"Yeah." She laughed. "It was the Carter Family Foundation Fundraiser you conned me into going to."

"If it helps, I didn't want to go either." He pointed out.

"No, you didn't." She acknowledged. "But you went anyway because you wanted to be a good grandson."

" _Are you sure this dress looks alright? I feel horribly underdressed." She looked around at the other women in fancier dresses._

" _You look absolutely breathtaking." He assured her. "You might want to stop fidgeting though."_

" _I can't help it." She chuckled. "I'm nervous."_

" _Why?"_

" _I haven't met any of your family before! What if they don't like me?"_

" _That's impossible. They will love you." He smiled._

" _You're my boyfriend. You have to say that."_

" _No I don't." He laughed. "Besides, if I thought there was even the slightest chance they wouldn't like you, I wouldn't have asked you to come tonight."_

" _Fine." She would believe things would be ok. "I'll try not to be so nervous."_

" _Good." He gave her a quick kiss. "Because my grandparents are over there and we should say hello." He put his hand on the small of her back and led her over to where the two were standing._

" _John! It's so good to see you here!" Millicent greeted, kissing him on the cheek._

" _Hello Gamma, grandfather. I'd like you both to meet my girlfriend, Lucy Knight. Lucy, these are my grandparents, Millicent and John Truman Carter Sr."_

" _It's wonderful to meet you both." Lucy smiled._

" _It's nice to meet you too, dear." Millicent smiled warmly._

" _I'm afraid Johnny here hasn't told us much about you though." John Sr. mentioned._

" _I've told you everything you need to know about her." Carter pointed out._

" _Don't torture him, darling." Millicent laughed. "I hope you two enjoy yourselves tonight."_

" _Thanks Gamma." Carter kissed her on the cheek. Then he took Lucy's hand and led her into the ballroom._

" _It's beautiful in here." She marveled, looking at the décor._

" _Yeah. Gamma always manages to make things more and more grand every year." He paused. "Would you like to dance with me?"_

" _I'm not a very good dancer."_

" _Neither am I." He admitted. "C'mon. It will be fun."_

" _Ok." She consented. They started to dance. "So…I'm curious about something."_

" _What is it?" He smiled._

" _You haven't told your grandparents much about me?" She questioned._

" _No." He shook his head. "I don't like to tell them too much about my life. I prefer to keep them at arms' length about most things."_

" _But you said you told them everything they needed to know about me. So what did they need to know about me?"_

" _That's easy to answer." He told her. "I just made sure they knew how absolutely invaluable you have been to me these past few months and how I wouldn't have made it through without you."_

"We ended up having fun that night though, right?" He asked.

"Yeah." She nodded with a smile. "It was fun." She rested her head on his shoulder so he wouldn't see the smile on her face turn to a frown. Although she hated the thoughts that entered her head, she couldn't help but wonder how bad Carter's addiction was at that time when they went to the fundraiser. Was he stealing medicine from her by then? Was he stealing medicine from the hospital yet?

She couldn't stop those thoughts from popping up in her head and she hated that every memory she had of their relationship was tainted by the realization that he had been slipping into an addiction. She had even started to question whether or not he actually loved her or if he just equated being with her to the feeling he had while he was on drugs.


	10. What Are The Odds

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Ten

"I feel like Lucy is slowly drifting away from me, and I don't know why." Carter complained to David three weeks later.

"Why do you think that she is drifting away?" David asked, taking a bite of the pie in front of him.

"She is avoiding me." Carter explained. "I have to basically almost stalk her to get a chance to talk to her. If I don't see her face to face, she won't call me or text me back. And then when we do talk, things feel different."

"Have you mentioned anything about to her?"

"I've tried, but she always says she is busy and has to get going. I don't know what to do. It's one thing if she doesn't want to be together, but I don't know what I'll do if she decides she doesn't even want to be friends anymore."

"You depend on her." David pointed out.

"Yeah. Of course I do."

"You depend on her a little too much."

"No." Carter shook his head.

"Carter, be real with me for a moment. Most of your time revolves around either talking about or thinking about Lucy. You plan out ways to get her attention. What does that sound like to you?"

Carter scoffed. "You think I'm addicted to her?"

"I think you definitely have attachment issues regarding her." David replied.

"So now you're a certified psychiatrist?" Carter scoffed. "I just…I love her. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I'm sure you feel that way about Betty and you wouldn't say you have attachment issues."

"Actually, I would say that." David chuckled. "I'm honestly not sure how I would react if Betty ever left me. She has been a part of my life for so long that I don't even want to imagine what a life without her would look like. But I am aware of my attachment issues and I own up to them. You however, you ignore them and that is dangerous."

"So what are you suggesting?"

"Give her some space." David said.

"What if I give her space and she decides she doesn't want to ever be with me?"

"That's a risk you have to take." David told him.

* * *

"You've been very quiet the past couple of weeks." Betty said. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Lucy shrugged.

"C'mon. I know you better than that." Betty smiled. "What's going on?"

Lucy sighed. "I keep thinking that Carter was addicted to drugs for the better part of our relationship. Every time I think about something that happened during that time, I start to wonder if he was high then on pain medicine…if he was really truly acting like himself or if his reactions and his feelings were being influenced by his addiction. I keep thinking maybe he doesn't actually care about me, so much as the fact that I act like a reminder of how he felt during his addiction…and maybe he is only so enthusiastic about starting a relationship again right now because he thinks I can fill the role his addiction filled for him…does that even make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense." Betty replied.

"But I don't know what to do." She sighed again. "I've been avoiding him as much as possible lately. I know that isn't mature, but I don't know what to say to him anymore. Did I tell you that he proposed?"

She saw Betty's eyes get wide and realized she had left that part out.

"What? When did he do that?"

"A couple of weeks ago we were witnesses for some friends who got married. After they left he suggested we go and get married. I thought it was a joke, but the look on his face…he was dead serious. And it took everything in me not to say yes. But marriage right now is an insane thought."

"It is rather unorthodox." Betty chuckled.

"And it scared me because I know he wasn't kidding. I just feel like maybe he is trying to hang on to me in an attempt to…"

"Trade one addiction for another?" Betty interjected.

"Yeah." Lucy nodded.

"He wouldn't be the first addict to do something like that."

She looked at her watch. "Oh, I have to go or I'll be late."

"Are you still coming to dinner later this week?"

"Of course." Lucy smiled.

* * *

Carter shoved his white coat into his locker and took off his stethoscope. He was having dinner at David's house and would finally get to meet his wife. It was weird that he had developed this strong bond with David but never once in the last few months met his wife. So when David invited him for dinner he couldn't say no.

He thought it was encouraging that David's wife had stuck by him through his addiction and was secretly hoping he could talk to her about his situation with Lucy to see if she had any suggestions for him. He hadn't tried to contact her since David suggested he give her some space. But it was hard not to try and call her or try to bump into her at the hospital.

He knew David was wrong. He didn't have attachment issues with Lucy. He just loved her and wanted to spend time with her. He didn't see anything wrong with that because there was nothing wrong with that. Right?

* * *

Lucy rang the doorbell and stretched her neck from side to side. Today had been a rough day. One of her patients died in surgery and anytime that happened it tore her up a little inside. She thought about canceling her dinner plans with Betty and David but decided that being around other people could be a good thing for her.

"Lucy! Welcome." David greeted, giving her a hug.

"Hi David." Lucy smiled. "How are you?"

"Good." He smiled. "I'm actually really good. How are you?"

"I will warn you I lost a patient today so I'm a little off my game."

"Well one of Betty's home cooked meals will fix you right up." David promised. "She's in the kitchen if you want to say hi."

"Thanks." Lucy crossed through the dining room and saw that there were four settings on the table. Entering the kitchen, she saw Betty making a salad. "Hello."

"Lucy! Hi!" Betty turned and smiled. "What's wrong?"

Lucy chuckled. "I lost a patient during surgery today."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Betty sighed. "It's a good thing you are here with us tonight."

"Speaking of us, there are four settings on the table. Is someone else coming?"

"Yeah." Betty nodded. "I didn't know until about an hour ago, but David invited the gentleman he is sponsoring. I think his name is John. I don't know. David isn't telling me much about him for some reason. Is that a problem?"

"No, I guess not." Lucy shrugged, even though she wasn't sure she felt like meeting someone new tonight. "Why isn't David telling you much about his sponsoree or whatever they are called?"

"I have no clue. Every time I ask about him, David just gives me generic answers." Betty chuckled. "So I'm curious to meet him."

"Well what can I help with?" Lucy asked.

"Why don't you finish the salad and I'll get the mashed potatoes done?"

"Sounds perfect." Lucy smiled. She was done with the salad when the doorbell rang.

"Do you mind finishing up for a moment while I go meet the new guy?" Betty asked. "The suspense is killing me!"

Lucy giggled. "Go on. I'll get this ready."

"I'll be right back." Betty promised.

* * *

"Hi." Carter greeted when David answered the door.

"Hey. Come on in." David greeted.

Carter stepped into the entryway.

"I must apologize. I didn't know that my wife had already invited one of her friends over for dinner tonight. Is that going to be a problem?" David asked.

"No." Carter shrugged. He was fine with it, though it did probably mean it would be harder to get any advice on how to deal with Lucy.

"Ah, here is my darling wife." David smiled as Betty came into the entryway. "Betty, this is John Carter. Carter, this is my wonderful wife Betty."

Carter held out the flowers. "It's great to finally meet you. David has told me so much about you. Thank you for having me over for dinner. I brought you some flowers." Betty was just staring at him and then she looked over at David. Then she looked back at him again.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too. Although David didn't tell me much about you. In fact, he left out some important information." Betty smiled. "Excuse me, I better go put these in water. Why don't you two go ahead to the dining room? Dinner will be out in a moment."

* * *

Lucy got the mashed potatoes done quickly and was in the process of taking food out to the table when she heard a familiar voice.

"Oh no." She whispered. "It can't be."

Sure enough, three seconds later Betty entered the dining room, followed closely by David and Carter.

"Lucy?" Carter questioned.

"Carter?" She greeted. "Um, Betty, I need your help with something in the kitchen."

"Of course." Betty followed her into the kitchen.

"David is Carter's sponsor?" Lucy questioned, trying to whisper in an angry tone.

"I swear I didn't know." Betty replied, getting a vase out and putting water in it for the flowers. "All David told me was his name was John. I figured there were plenty of men named John in this town. It never occurred to me that it would be your John."

"He isn't my John anymore." Lucy protested.

"Oh sweetie." Betty laughed. "He's always going to be your John."

Lucy would have argued more, but she knew Betty was right. No matter what did or didn't happen between them in the future, she would always consider him hers.

"Are you going to be ok at dinner?"

"Do I really have a choice?" Lucy sighed.

"You could make a run for it, but my kitchen window isn't very big. You might end up stuck. Then I'd have to call the fire department to get you out." Betty joked. "So I think you're only option is to go out there."

"Oh this should be fun." Lucy sighed, taking more food to the table.

* * *

Carter watched as Lucy brought more food out and then sat down across from him at the table. But she wasn't looking at him or paying him any attention. He wondered how she knew Betty and David. He wondered why his presence here upset her. At least now Betty's staring at him when she heard the name made more sense. He wondered what Lucy had told the woman about him.

He also wondered if he would get any of the answers tonight.

"So this is funny, isn't it?" David asked as they all sat down together.

"I think you are the only one who thinks so, dear." Betty told him, staring daggers at her husband.

"So how do you know each other?" Carter asked, looking at Lucy and then Betty.

"I met Betty at a Nar-anon meeting and we've been friends ever since." Lucy replied, not looking up from her plate.

"Oh." Carter nodded. "Well…ok." He wasn't sure what to say about that. So Betty probably knew the whole story. There was most likely no way he was going to get any help on the situation with Lucy from this woman.

* * *

Dinner was awkward. All Lucy could think about was how weird the situation was. Carter's sponsor was Betty's husband. Betty was practically her version of a non-addict sponsor. Betty knew all of her secrets and probably had shared them with David, who could easily share them with Carter.

Shouldn't there be a rule against that? She was mad at David for being Carter's sponsor. Judging by the frosty answers Betty gave her husband during dinner, she was angry too. A part of her wondered if David sought Carter out or if it was just a coincidence.

Either way, this was not the best way to spend an evening after a rough day at work.

"David, can you please help me clear the table while Lucy and Carter go into the living room?" Betty asked after dinner was done.

"I can help you." Lucy offered, eager to get away from Carter.

"No." Betty told her. "Thank you, but I think David should help. You two just go on into the living room and we'll bring out dessert soon."

Lucy sighed as she got up and walked to the living room. She sat on the couch and watched as Carter walked around the room, looking at the pictures that were on the mantle and walls.

A minute later, he sat down on the other side of the couch. "This is weird…right?"

"Yeah." She laughed. "What are the odds?"

"Are you mad at me for being here?" He asked. "Because you seem upset that I'm here."

"No." She shook her head. "If I'm mad at anyone, it's David. He knew about you…he knew your name…I don't know why he became your sponsor."

"I don't know either." Carter shrugged. "I just met him at a meeting. I didn't think too much about it."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"So you've been avoiding me again."

She sighed. "Carter…"

"No. It's ok. It's not an accusation…just an observation."

"But it's not fair to you. I just…I don't know how to be around you anymore." She admitted.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Look, can we talk about this another time? It's been a long day and it doesn't feel right to talk about this here with Betty and David in the other room."

"Why not?" He scoffed. "You know they will both hear about it eventually anyway."

She thought about it for a moment. He was right about that. If he wanted to talk about it now, she would talk about it now. "Ok. I have been thinking a lot about things lately and if I'm completely honest…I'm not convinced you actually care about me. For most, if not all, of our relationship you were addicted to pain pills. You weren't thinking clearly. How am I supposed to trust that you actually, truly care about me and aren't just wanting to be with me because you were with me during your addiction?"

"That's absurd!" Carter shook his head. "What can I do to convince you? What do I have to do to prove to you that I love you? I want to marry you. I want us to grow old together. That has nothing to do with my addiction. Is this because I joked that we could get married after Mark and Elizabeth did?"

"It wasn't a joke though." She pointed out. "And yeah, that has something to do with it. You had this knee-jerk reaction that we could get married and things would be great again. I've been thinking a lot, and it feels like I'm just a security blanket to you…something to help take your mind off of your addiction. I think you're vulnerable right now and you probably think that getting together with me will somehow help stabilize you or something. But I can't save you."

"So now you also think I'm trading one addiction for another?" Carter sighed. "David suggested the same thing."

"I think it is possible." She acknowledged. "And the fact that David saw it too makes me think it might be true."

"It's not true though." He complained. "Why does it feel like everyone is against me?"

"No one is against you. We just want what's best for you."

"But everyone seems to have their own opinions about what is best for me and won't listen to me about what I know to be best."

"And that's another thing." Lucy sighed. "Did you ever think about what it's been like for me? Did you ever ask about anything that might have happened while you were in rehab? Or what my life has been like?" She asked.

"No. I guess I haven't." He shook his head. "Did something happen when I was in rehab?"

"Yes of course something happened!" She exclaimed. "My life didn't just pause while you were gone. I wasn't frozen in carbonite waiting for you to come back. Things happened. But you haven't asked about them because it's been the John Carter show 24/7 since you came back."

"So now you're calling me selfish?"

"No." She felt like he was putting words in her mouth now.

"That's what it sounds like to me." He sighed.

"I can't do this." She said, standing up. "Please tell them that I had to go home." She stormed out of the house quickly after grabbing her coat and purse. A few seconds after she reached the outside, she heard the front door slam behind her. But she kept on walking.

"Lucy!" He called out after her. "Lucy! We're not done here."

She stopped and turned around. "I think I might be."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't keep going around and around with you like this. You want things I am not ready to give you. You need things I can't give you right now. I love you Carter. I really do. And I think I've loved you ever since we made out in exam six back when we were much different people. But I can't do this right now."

"Is this you flipping the switch so that you don't care about me anymore?" He asked softly.

She realized he was referencing the talk they had on Valentine's Day and slowly nodded her head as tears formed in her eyes. "I think so."

He sighed. "Did something happen while I was in rehab?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Was it…another guy? I wouldn't blame you if it was…"

"God…you really think it was another guy? I just told you that I love you and you think I had some kind of mad, torrid affair with a different guy while you were gone?" She couldn't believe him asking that.

"I don't know?" He yelled. "Alright? I'm just trying to figure this out. When I came back you said we could be friends. But then it seemed like maybe we could be more in the future and now it seems like you just want to write me out of your life completely. What the hell happened?"

"I was pregnant, ok?" Lucy yelled. "I found out I was pregnant after you left and then I had a miscarriage before you got back. Ok? Are you happy now?"

She immediately regretted yelling it out like that as she saw his face contort. Seeing him process that made her feel like a jerk.

"No, actually now I feel worse." He turned and started walking in the other direction.

She wiped a few tears from her eyes and ran after him. "Carter…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blurt it out like that. I really didn't."

"There's no good way to say something like that." He told her as he kept walking.

She walked with him. "It still wasn't fair to say it like that."

He stopped walking and looked at her for a long time. "Go ahead and flip the switch…stop caring about me if you want. I can complete my recovery without you if I have to."

"Carter…"

"Just leave me alone Lucy. I don't need you. Go and be free." He started to jog away from her.


	11. Flip The Switch

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Eleven

Lucy rolled over in bed, staring at the clock. 3am. She had been trying to get to sleep for five hours now, but nothing seemed to help. Releasing a heavy sigh, she got up from bed and headed into the bathroom. She splashed some cold water on her face and then used the nearby towel to dry it off.

It had been a week since her last conversation with Carter. Looking back on it, she should have followed him that night instead of letting him go. Maybe then everything would have ended differently. Or maybe this was just how it was supposed to end.

The next day she tried everything she could think of to find him. She called and texted him, she went to his apartment and his grandparents' house, she went to the hospital and called David to find out if he had talked to Carter. As a last ditch effort to find him, she found out which meetings Carter usually went to and stalked those. But she couldn't find him anywhere.

By the end of the day she was frantic and starting to think the worst had happened…that maybe he had found somewhere to score some pain medicine and was out getting high. She didn't want to think that, but the lost look on his face scared her.

It wasn't until she got the call from David that she felt she could breathe a little easier, though it was a short-lived relief.

 _When Lucy got the call from David that he had talked to Carter and he was fine, she was beyond relieved. David told her that Carter had stopped by and gave him something that he wanted Lucy to have so she was now standing on their doorstep._

" _Hi Lucy." David greeted as he opened the door. "Come on in."_

 _She followed him into the living room. "So Carter is really ok?"_

" _Yeah." David nodded. "He left about an hour ago."_

" _Did he say where he was? Because I looked everywhere for him."_

" _He left you a letter." David picked up an envelope from the table and handed it to her. "He said it would explain everything."_

" _Did he say where he was going when he left?" Lucy asked. "I want to talk to him, not read a letter."_

" _You might want to read this letter." David replied._

" _Why?" Something about the way David was pushing the letter on her made her not want to open it._

" _Just read it and everything should make more sense." David sighed. "I'll give you some privacy."_

 _She watched as he left the living room. She stood there with the envelope in her hands for several minutes, staring at her name written in his sloppy handwriting. It seemed she wouldn't be able to get any answers unless she read it though, so she slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter._

 _Lucy,_

 _I'm getting tired of saying I'm sorry. I feel like I've been saying it way too much the past few months to too many people. But I am sorry. I'm sorry I've disappointed you by forming an addiction. I'm sorry I've made you angry by stealing your medication and medication from the hospital. I'm sorry I've worried you by making you question if I can stay sober in my recovery. I'm sorry I've made you doubt me and my feelings, because I've never once doubted my feelings for you. I'm sorry I have been so wrapped up in my own drama that I didn't take the time to even ask what was going on in your life. I'm sorry you had to deal with the pregnancy and miscarriage by yourself because I'm sure that had to be incredibly difficult. I'm sorry I wasn't around to help you deal with that. I'm sorry we couldn't make things work between us. I'm just sorry about everything._

 _Maybe you and David are right. Maybe I have been relying on you to save me too much. Maybe I have been selfish. Maybe I have in the back of my mind thought that you could somehow save me._

 _But I have to stand on my own two feet now. I need to cut ties with everything and everyone in my life right now._

 _By the time you read this letter, I'll be gone. I've joined Doctors Without Borders and am heading to Africa. I had a patient last week who came in and was talking about their experience over there. They really need doctors over there and it seems like a worthwhile endeavor. There are a lot of people there that I could help and perhaps being halfway across the world would give me some perspective. I know it's not Rio, but it's gotta be better than being here. Nothing in my life is right here anymore. I feel like I'm lost right now—like everything I do and say ends up being the wrong thing._

 _I don't know when or even if I'll be back. But I do know you shouldn't wait for me. If you find someone else, you should go for it. Flip the switch, Lucy…stop caring about me and let yourself be free from having to worry about me or caring about me. No matter what, I've always just wanted you to be happy. So go be happy…please._

 _John_

 _The letter dropped to the floor as she started to sob. She covered her face with her hands as her body shook from the crying. A few minutes later she felt Betty's arms around her shoulders and she let the older woman guide her to the couch._

 _She sat down and then let Betty pull her into a hug._

" _He's gone." She was finally able to say._

" _I know sweetie, I know." Betty replied, rubbing soothing circles on Lucy's back._


	12. I'm Mad

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Twelve

One year later

It was raining as Carter rode in the backseat of the cab. He had been gone from Chicago for far too long. In all honesty he hadn't intended to be gone for a whole year. He thought maybe he would leave for a few months and then come back. But the work over there was so rewarding that he couldn't bring himself to leave.

It wasn't hard to gain perspective on his life and his choices over in Africa. There were people dying everyday due to disease and violence. It made many of his problems seem trivial in comparison.

He thought about Lucy a lot. She was the first thing he thought about when he woke up, the last thing he thought about before going to sleep, and she invaded his dreams nightly. But it was a good thing that he left when he did. He had depended on her for too much and knew now that he could live without her—he just didn't want to. Now he just had to find a way to reinsert himself into his Chicago life.

"Hey buddy, we're here." The cab driver yelled, getting his attention.

"Thanks." Carter handed him some money and then got out with his two bags over his shoulder. He slowly walked up the stairs of the building to the door. He had come to her apartment straight from the airport after being on planes for too many hours to count. He wondered if surprising her like this was his best or worst idea ever. But he would find out soon enough.

He was nervous. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. A couple of moments later, the door opened and he was face to face with Lucy. She was dressed in pajama bottoms and a tank top, with her hair in a messy bun. Although she had no make-up on, she still managed to look absolutely beautiful. He smiled.

A look of shock flashed across her face.

"You're definitely not the pizza guy." She said coldly.

"No." He shook his head. Her tone wasn't a good start. "Hey Luce."

"So when did you get back?"

"Just now." He replied. "I missed you."

She didn't look happy to see him, which shouldn't have surprised him. He didn't call or write to her once over the past year.

Ignoring his comment, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Is that all?"

It didn't take a genius to realize she was mad at him. And he deserved it. But he was hoping she would give him a chance. It didn't seem like she wanted to though.

"How are you?" He asked, realizing that was a stupid question to ask.

"Really?" She rolled her eyes. "Goodbye Carter." She said slamming the door in his face.

He stood there, looking at the closed door. Yeah, this was the worst idea…definitely not the best.

* * *

Lucy slammed down the chart on to the counter of the nurses' station, unaware Peter was behind her.

"What did the chart ever do to you?" He chuckled.

"It looked at me wrong, ok?" She joked in a monotone voice.

"Whoa. Why are you in such a bad mood today?"

She sighed. "Carter is back."

"Really? Since when?"

"Since last night, when he showed up at my doorstep expecting me to engage me in small talk." She explained.

"Oh." Peter chuckled. "And did you engage in the small talk?"

"Nope." She shook her head and looked over at him. "Slammed the door right in his face."

"That would have been funny to see." Peter smiled. "You're going to have to talk to him eventually though. You know that, right? You can't avoid him forever. Hell, you work in the same hospital and have a lot of the same friends."

"I know." She nodded. "But it will be on my terms. Not his. He doesn't get to determine when or how I talk to him. He can't just leave for a year without so much as a call or a letter during that time and then expect me to welcome him back like nothing ever happened."

She saw Peter looking at her closely.

"You're really mad at him, aren't you?"

"Yeah." She chuckled. "At first I was hurt. Then it changed to fake indifference. Now I'm on to anger."

"Remind me never to cross you!" He smirked.

"That's right." She laughed.

* * *

"I wondered when you would finally come back and show your face." David greeted after he opened the door.

"Hey David." Carter greeted. "Would it be ok if I came in?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"How are you and Betty?" He asked as he followed David to the living room.

"Betty actually passed away almost six months ago." David answered.

"I'm…I'm so sorry. I didn't know." He felt horrible for even bringing it up now.

"How could you know?" David asked. "You were off playing super doctor in a third-world country."

"If I knew what happened…I would have…"

"I know." David interrupted.

"How are you doing with it all?" He was now worried about his sponsor and friend. He knew that Betty meant the world to him. Losing her must be terrifying and impossibly difficult.

"It's been rough. Both Lucy and I were completely blindsided. We didn't know anything was wrong with her until towards the end. She kept the fact that she had stage 4 breast cancer from us until she was unable to keep it a secret anymore." David explained.

"I honestly don't know what I would have done if Lucy hadn't been here. Betty used to joke that Lucy was like the daughter we never had. Now I know what she was talking about. That girl is amazing. The way she has stepped up and helped me…I would probably be somewhere using again if it weren't for her."

"She is pretty extraordinary." Carter agreed.

"But you let her go…not once but twice." David pointed out. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I wonder that myself sometimes." He admitted. "Do you at least understand why I went to Africa?"

"I understand…" David sighed. "I think you went about it the wrong way though and I think you stayed away too long."

"Lucy's mad and hurt." Carter stated. "I expected that. I still hoped for something different though."

"What did you expect?" David scoffed. "You left her a note telling her to let you go and move on. Now you think she should do what? Run into your arms and say everything is forgiven the second you are back?"

"I don't know." Carter sighed. "No, probably not that. But I guess I hoped we could at least talk like adults."

"She's mad. She won't talk to you until she is ready. So you need to just realize that and wait."

"You're right."

"I usually am." David smirked.

* * *

"How is the meatloaf?" Lucy asked before she took a bite. She had worked hard tonight to get everything just right. She had made it a point to come over at least once a week to cook dinner. If she wasn't swamped at work, she would come over more than once a week.

David swallowed and smiled at her. "Every time you make it, it gets closer and closer to Betty's version."

"Good." Lucy smiled. "Maybe one of these days I'll actually be able to replicate it! I still can't believe she never wrote down any of her recipes."

"She always said she could remember them and didn't see the point in wasting paper on that." David laughed. "It tastes great though, Lucy. Really. It's much better than the first one you tried a few months ago."

"Yeah. That one was gross." She shook in disgust remembering it.

They ate in silence for a few minutes until David spoke again.

"So…I take it you've seen him?"

She understood who he meant with the pronoun. "Yeah. He came by last night. Did he come by here too?"

"Yeah." David nodded. "This morning. We talked for a least an hour."

"You tell him about Betty?"

"Yeah. You know he is sorry about everything, right?"

"I know." She nodded. She could see it on his face last night. But she wasn't in the mood to talk to him then. She was too shocked that he was actually back. After a while she had resigned herself to the fact that he may never be back.

"Are you going to talk to him?"

"Eventually." She chuckled. "But he's waited a year to come back. So what difference would a few more weeks make?"

He laughed. "You're going to make him wait a few weeks?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "I just…I spent the first three months or so waiting for him to come back, thinking that if he just came back then things could be ok. Then I spent another three months pretending to everyone and myself that I didn't care if he ever came back. But then Betty died and now…now I'm mad. I'm just mad about everything these days."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm mad that Carter developed a drug addiction…I'm mad that I didn't see it…I'm mad that I had a miscarriage…I'm mad that Betty's gone…I'm mad that she didn't tell us she was sick…I'm mad about the letter he left behind…I'm mad he wasn't here to help you and I get through these last six months…I'm mad that he never called or wrote while he was gone…I'm mad at myself for still loving him…I'm just mad…all the time…and I don't know what to do with this anger anymore."

"I know what you mean. I have anger too." David replied. "But we have to try and let go of this anger before it consumes us."

She chuckled. "I think it might be too late for me."

"If there is one thing I've learned in my life, it is that it's never too late."

"So what do you recommend?" She asked. "Because I need to do something."

"I recommend that we finish dinner, have those wonderful brownies I can smell from the kitchen for dessert and then you go find Carter to talk." David answered.

"I'm not sure I can do that."

"I believe in you." David told her. "You're a hell of a lot stronger that you ever give yourself credit for. Besides, if you don't do it, I'll just harass you about it nonstop until you do."

She started to smirk. "Yeah, I know you will."

* * *

A couple of hours later, Lucy found herself standing on Carter's doorstep. She took a deep breath before knocking. She was surprised when he opened the door in shorts and a white t-shirt. He was sweating and she wondered what she had walked in on right now.

"Lucy!" He smiled. "What are you doing here? I mean, it's good to see you here. I just wasn't expecting you to come by right now."

"Is it a bad time?"

No! Not at all." He moved out of the way. "Come on in. I was just exercising."

She couldn't help but laugh. "Since when do you exercise?"

"I started a few months ago." He explained. "There wasn't much in the way of exercise equipment over there so it's basically just push-ups and sit-ups…that kind of thing. But I'm getting pretty good at it." He flexed for her with a goofy grin on his face.

She had to admit that he was building some muscle. "I see that."

"Do you want some water?" He asked, patting his face and neck with a nearby towel.

"No. Thanks, but I'm good."

"Ok." He nodded. "I'm going to get some though."

She watched him go into the kitchen and decided to follow. "So I should probably apologize for slamming the door in your face last night."

"No." He shook his head. "You don't have to. I obviously surprised you and it wasn't a good surprise. You had every right to slam it in my face."

"David didn't slam the door in your face." Lucy pointed out.

"I could tell he wanted to though." Carter chuckled. "I'm sorry about Betty."

"Thanks."

"I wish I had been there for you when it happened."

"Me too." She stated coolly.

"David seems to be doing alright, considering…"

"He's a pretty tough guy but it has really shaken him up to lose her."

"He told me today that if you weren't in his life, he probably would have gone back to using again." Carter told her. "But he thinks of you as the daughter that he and Betty never got around to having and doesn't want to do that to himself or you."

"He's a good guy." Lucy nodded. "And I think…no I know Betty would want me to make sure he is taken care of. So how was Africa?"

"It was horrible and amazing at the same time. You wouldn't believe the problems they have over there. It makes you realize some of your problems are trivial. And yeah, it was dangerous to be over there, but the majority of the people I met were so grateful to have medical attention. It was an eye opening experience." He stopped himself. "I'm sorry. I could go on about this for hours."

"It's fine." She assured him. "It's nice to see that old John Carter sparkle back in your eyes again."

"I didn't realize it had been gone."

"It has been gone for a while now." She explained. "So Africa was good for you?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I think so."

"Good." She smiled. "I'm really glad. I should probably go though."

"Do you have to?" He asked.

"I probably should."

"Just stay a little longer, please?" He practically begged. "I wasn't lying last night when I said I missed you."

She looked at him and realized maybe she could stay a little longer. It hopefully wouldn't be a mistake. "I'll stay a little longer I guess."

"Great." He smiled. "So what is new with you?"

"The only big difference is at work." She answered. "For some reason, Romano decided to bypass the residents that had more years than me and made me the Chief Resident for surgery. I'm still not sure why or if it is even a good thing. It feels like a punishment most of the time."

"Lucy that's awesome! Congratulations!"

Before she knew what was happening, he was giving her a hug.

"I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks." She let herself relax in his arms, placing her head on his shoulder and holding on to him for dear life. It wasn't until this moment that she realized just how much she had missed him. A year without him in her life at all was way too long. She tried to stop the tears from flowing, but a couple escaped from her eyes.

She pulled back from the hug after a few more moments and swiped at her eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

She saw the concern in his eyes and shook her head. "Nothing…everything…I don't know. I just…I missed you too."

"While I am glad you missed me, I'd rather it didn't make you cry." He smiled.

They stood in silence for a few moments. "So…are we going to continue to ignore the giant elephant in the room?"

"Which one?" Carter laughed.

"Pick one." She laughed.

"Well I'm still sober." He told her. "It's been over a year and four months now."

"That's wonderful." She smiled. "I'm really happy for you."

"Some days over there weren't easy." He admitted. "There were times some of the locals would come by and threaten us with guns. I can't even tell you how many times I've had a gun pointed at my head in the last year."

"What?!"

"Yeah." He nodded. "The first two or three times it was scary. Then it just became so common that it stopped fazing me anymore."

She couldn't believe he was acting so nonchalant about it. "Why did you stay there if you were in that much danger?"

"They needed me. I felt like they needed me more than…" He trailed off.

"More than I did?" She scoffed.

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Well maybe if you had bothered to call or write you would have known that I did need you."

"No Lucy, you really didn't." He argued. "You've always been stronger than me."

"But maybe I'm tired of being the strong one." She rolled her eyes. "Maybe for once I want to be the one able to fall apart and have someone pick me up!"

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "I know it seemed selfish for me to run off to Africa like that."

"Let's be truthful about this. It was more cowardly than selfish!" She pointed out.

"And I should have contacted you during this past year." He pointed out. "I know that. But the phone service was spotty at best and I wasn't sure you wanted another letter from me after the last one. I also wasn't sure if you had taken my advice and moved on or not. To be truthful, I wasn't sure I wanted to know."

His reasons for not calling or writing made sense, but she was still angry about it. "I didn't, by the way. I didn't move on. But it wasn't because I didn't get the chance. I just didn't want to."

"Neither did I." He said, stepping closer to her.

She looked at his face and recognized what he was planning to do. "I'm really mad at you."

"I bet you are and you have every right to be." He slowly moved his arm until it was wrapped around her waist.

"I mean it! I'm really, really mad at you."

"I believe you." He pulled her as close to his body as he could.

"This might be a mistake."

"Maybe…then again maybe not." He cupped her cheek with his free hand.

"It doesn't change the fact that I'm mad." She whispered.

"That's ok." He leaned in to kiss her. It was a soft kiss at first that grew to something more passionate.

* * *

The next morning, Carter looked over at Lucy. She was still sleeping and had a serene look on her face. He reluctantly slid out of bed carefully, hoping he didn't wake her up. He hated getting out of bed and moving away from her but he wanted to do something nice for her.

He went to the kitchen and started the coffee machine. Then he got out two mugs and two bowls. Hopefully the fact that all he had was cereal wouldn't bother her. Once the coffee was ready he poured it into the mugs and placed it on the nearby tray. He walked back into his bedroom to find Lucy gathering up her clothes, which had been strewn all across the room.

"What are you doing out of bed?"

"I…I thought I would get going." She replied nervously.

"Do you have to work today?" He asked.

"I do. I have to go in at noon. But I thought since I woke up and you were out of bed that…I don't know. I just wasn't expecting this." She gestured to the tray.

"Oh." He chuckled. "I was trying to surprise you with breakfast in bed."

"That's very sweet."

"So will you get back in bed now?"

He noticed that she looked at the tray, then the bed and then the tray again.

"Ok. I'll stay a little while longer."

"Excellent." He grinned, waiting until she got into bed before putting the tray down.

"You know that cereal for breakfast is cheating with breakfast in bed, right?" She chuckled.

"I know. I just don't have many groceries in the apartment right now."

"It's fine. At least it is my favorite. Wait…why do you have Frosted Flakes? You hate them. Did you buy them because you thought I would stay the night?"

"I bought them because I was being cautiously optimistic about my chances to win you over with my sweet moves." He explained.

"Oh God, not more about these supposed sweet moves." She groaned.

Next thing he knew, she hit him in the head with her pillow.

"What's that for?" He asked.

"I don't know exactly." She smirked. "It just felt like something I should do."

He leaned over and gave her a kiss.

"What's that for?" She asked.

"I don't know exactly." It was his turn to smirk. "It just felt like something I should do."

She leaned back in and kissed him, letting her hand dip down underneath the front of his boxers.

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her down onto the bed and causing the tray to fall to the floor.

She giggled. "At some point we really need to talk."

"Yeah." He agreed, starting to kiss her neck. "At some point…not yet though."


	13. A Week Later

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Thirteen

A week later

Lucy sighed as she put the charts back at the nurses' station.

"Are you leaving for the day?" Shirley, the head surgical nurse asked.

"Yeah, finally." Lucy nodded.

"Did you remember to get the resident schedules done?"

"Of course. They are sitting on Dr. Romano's desk right now." Lucy sighed.

"What about the notes from the M&M meeting?"

"They are on his desk as well." Lucy told her.

"Ok stop right there. Who are you and what have you done with the real Lucy?" Shirley joked.

"What do you mean?" Lucy laughed.

"Usually I have to remind you at least twice to get that stuff done. You have been different this week though. You're more focused and organized. Don't get me wrong…it's nice. But it is also a little off-putting."

"I don't know about me being different." Lucy shrugged.

"I do." Shirley chuckled. "Whatever it is that you are doing differently this week, keep it up."

"Ok." She didn't want to admit what the difference between previous weeks and this week was because it scared her. The only difference was the appearance of a certain doctor in her life.

"See you tomorrow."

"Bye." Lucy went to the elevator and headed down to the ER. She pushed that conversation with Shirley out of her head as she got out of the elevator. "Hey Jerry, how are things going?" She asked when she got to the front desk.

"Things are slow, but I'm sure they'll pick up soon." Jerry answered. "You looking for Carter?"

"Am I that predictable?" She had to admit she probably was. Every day that she worked, she came down to the ER after she got off and met up with Carter. He was usually just about ready to end his shift so she would hang out at the front desk until he was ready to leave. Then they would usually end up at his place and she would spend the night.

Tonight they were going to David's house so for the weekly dinner she made.

"Afraid so. Last I saw him, he was in the lounge." Jerry answered before picking up the ringing phone.

She went into the lounge and found he had his back to her as he was getting into his locker. She snuck up behind him and pinched his butt.

"What the-oh it's you." His face softened when he saw it was Lucy.

"Who did you think it was?" She teased.

"I didn't know. I had a 90 year old patient who was very handsy earlier. But I'm very glad it was you instead." He leaned in and placed a kiss on her lips.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded. "But are you sure I should come with you? This weekly dinner thing is between you and David. I don't want to intrude…"

"You aren't." She insisted. "I swear. It will be fine. It might even be fun. But either way, I'm making peanut butter pie for dessert and I know you can't resist that."

"Ok." He agreed. "Let's go have some fun."

* * *

"So how are things at work going for you, Carter?" David asked as they sat down for dinner.

"There are too many new faces in the ER." Carter complained. "It's odd."

"That's what happens after a year away though." Lucy scoffed.

"Yeah." Carter sighed.

"And how is it going for my favorite Chief Resident?" David asked.

"I'm still confused as to why Romano gave it to me in the first place." Lucy sighed.

"He must see your brilliance." David pointed out.

"Or he wants me to crack." Lucy countered.

"I have to agree with David." Carter interjected.

"It's a lot of work though and I'm not afraid of hard work. I just feel like I don't deserve it." Lucy admitted.

"You do though." Carter said, reaching over and putting his hand on top of hers.

"So…are you two back together now?" David asked.

"No." Lucy replied.

"Yes." Carter said.

They looked at each other.

"No?" Carter questioned.

"Yes?" Lucy chuckled.

"What do you mean we aren't back together?" Carter questioned. "We've spent every night together for a week."

"That doesn't mean we are back together though." Lucy shrugged. "It means we're having fun. I didn't think we were serious."

"I don't want to just have fun with you Lucy. I thought we were building something together."

"All we've done is sleep together." She pointed out. "We haven't had any of the talks we have to have in order to build something real. So in my mind we aren't back together. We're in some weird limbo status where everything is fun and carefree."

"We haven't had any of the talks because every time I try to, we end up sleeping together. You keep using sex to avoid our problems." Carter yelled.

"Do we have to have this conversation right now?" Lucy asked, pointing to David.

"No." Carter sighed. "In fact, we don't actually have to have this conversation at all anymore." He turned to face David. "I'm sorry." He got up from the table.

"Where are you going?" Lucy asked.

"Home." He replied.

Lucy scoffed. "Oh yeah. That's right. I almost forgot. When things get rough, I can always count on Carter to run away!"

She watched him leave the room and then heard the front door slam. She threw her napkin on the table and shook her head. "God! Why am I such an idiot?"

"Love can make us into idiots." David chuckled. "Let me ask you this. Do you want to get back together with Carter?"

"I want to be happy again." She answered.

"This past week…spending so much time with him…have you been happy?"

She didn't need to think about it. The answer was yes. Even though they spent the majority of their time together in bed, this week was one of the best weeks of her life.

"Yeah." She nodded. "Even someone at work today told me I've been like a different person this week…a better person. But…"

"No." David interrupted. "No buts this time. I know why you are mad at him and I know why you are hesitant to put your heart and soul back in his hands again. But you love him. And you know he loves you. Right?"

"I guess." She shrugged.

"Lucy…" David nagged. "When he came back, you were the first person he came to see. He didn't even go home to shower first. That has to tell you something."

"Ok." She admitted. "So maybe Carter does actually love me."

"And do you love him?"

She was quiet for a moment. "If I love him, I'll get hurt again."

"Possibly." David chuckled. "Ok. Probably. But do you want to be happy together or miserable apart? Because you've tried both options. Which one was better?"

She smiled. "Do you ever get tired of being right?"

"Nope." He laughed. "It never gets old."

* * *

A short time later, Lucy stood on Carter's doorstep. She knocked on the door, giving him a small smile when he opened the door. He was glaring at her so she held up the plate. "I brought a peace offering since you missed dessert."

"The pie can come in." He said, taking the plate from her hands. "You can't."

She watched as he started to close the door and pushed her body in so that the door wouldn't close all the way.

"Lucy…move back." Carter told her.

"No." She shook her head. "We need to talk."

"No we don't." He shook his head.

"Fine." She stood back away from the doorway. "You can close the door if you want." She went and sat down next to the door. "I'll just wait right here until you're ready to talk."

"You'll be waiting a long time."

"That's fine." She told him. She watched him close the door and wondered if this gamble would pay off. She was aware that she may end up spending the whole night out here, depending on how mad he really was.

To be honest, she wasn't sure what they had been doing this week. But since they hadn't talked much since that first night, she assumed they were just enjoying each other and would figure out the other stuff later. Apparently, she was wrong because Carter was under the impression they were back together. It was a mess and David was right. They needed to talk about it. So she would stay out here until Carter stopped being stubborn and let her in.

* * *

Carter sat on the couch, finishing the peanut butter pie Lucy had brought over. She had made it for him because it was his favorite. That had to count for something. And she came over here to talk. That also had to count for something.

But it hurt when she told him that she thought they were just having fun this past week. While he couldn't deny that he was having fun, he thought this week meant they were back together and would be getting back on track with their relationship. He thought it meant she was willing to forgive things and let go of her anger.

Now he wasn't so certain. And he wasn't sure he wanted to let her in so that she could let him down gently again.

He looked at his watch and realized that it had been over an hour since he closed the door on her. He wondered if she was even still out there. There was only one way to find out. He sighed as he got up from the couch and walked to the door. He couldn't see from the peephole if she was still out there so he would have to open the door.

He decided to make himself a deal. If she was still out there, he would let her in to talk. If she wasn't, then he would have to deal with the fact that their relationship might actually be over for real. That thought scared him, but he was brave and opened the door.

Relief filled his soul when he saw Lucy sitting there with her knees up to her chest. She looked like she was picking at loose threads on her pants. She looked over at him.

"You're still here." He said softly.

"I told you I would be." She reminded him quietly. "Are you ready to talk?"

"I guess now is as good of a time as any." He didn't wait for her get up, instead he walked back into his apartment and sat on the couch. He saw that she came in and stayed standing. They stayed staring at each other in silence. "Well this is a productive talk." He joked.

"Ok. So here's the thing…" Lucy started. "I'm still mad at you. I'm mad about a lot of things. Some of them are legitimate and some I'll admit are ridiculous things to be mad about. But I'm mad and I don't know how long it will take for me to stop being mad."

"I get it." Carter told her. "You don't have to continue."

"No, I don't think you really do get it." She argued. "This week has been…incredible. And it wasn't fair of me to completely dismiss it as just being fun."

"No it wasn't." He agreed. "Lucy, I love you. If you don't want to take a chance and work on our relationship then you need to tell me that right now."

"I know." She nodded. "It just doesn't feel that simple to me."

"But it is that simple." He told her, standing up. "Do you love me? Yes or no?"

The fact that she was being quiet made him nervous.

"Yes." She finally whispered.

Relief filled him when he heard her say yes. But now he needed to ask one more question. "Do you want to be with me?"

"I don't want to be apart from you anymore." She explained. "But…"

Before she could give any excuses or explanations, he closed the gap between them and started to kiss her.

"You can't just kiss me every time you want me to be quiet." She giggled.

"But it's fun." He smirked. "And it works."

"Carter…

He kissed her again.

"Carter…"

He kissed her again.

"Please stop doing that." She laughed.

"Alright." He agreed. "But only for now." He stared at her face for a moment. "You're scared."

She nodded.

"I can understand why. Things haven't been easy for us, have they?"

"That's the understatement of the century." She chuckled.

"I can't promise you that everything between us will always be great and we won't have our share of problems. All I can do is promise you that I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life."

"You can't leave again." She told him.

"I won't." He promised. "You can't shut me out, even when you're mad at me."

"I won't." She said. "You have to keep going to meetings and talking to David or me when you have any issues."

"I will." He promised. "You have to try and stop doubting that I truly love you."

"I will." She nodded. "I'll try at least."

"Good." He smiled. "Because I want you to stop being so afraid. I want us to stop wasting so much time. I wanna marry you."

"John…" She laughed.

"What?" He chuckled.

"You're proposing again?"

"Hell yeah I am." He nodded. "And I'm going to keep on proposing until the day you say yes."

"You're crazy." She laughed, shaking her head.

"Only crazy in love with you." He countered.

"Still…marriage? Are we really ready for that?"

"I am." He assured her. "Look, I know you were worried I was using you as a security blanket to keep myself from relapsing. In many ways you were right. I depended on you to keep me from relapsing. But when I was in Africa I was facing life or death situations every day. My stress level was incredibly high but I didn't relapse and it wasn't because I had you in my life. You were halfway across the world and I didn't even know if you hated me. I didn't relapse because I found my inner strength."

"I know what I want from my life. I want to be the best doctor I can be, I want to stay sober, and I want to marry you-hopefully start a family too." He told her. "We've wasted so much time that we could and should have been together for…and I know a lot of that has been my fault. I don't want to waste any more time."

She chuckled and came over to wrap her arms around his neck. "We just got back together. Can't we wait a little bit before you map out the rest of our lives?"

He smiled. "I guess when you put it that way we can wait a little bit."

He leaned in and placed a slow kiss on her lips.

* * *

Lucy turned on her side so she could watch Carter sleep. They had talked some more last night and were officially back together, a milestone they celebrated enthusiastically. She wasn't having second thoughts, but she was nervous. She had been up for at least an hour thinking about things—specifically his marriage proposal.

The thought of marrying him made her both elated and petrified. But as she stared at him, she realized that he was right about something. They had wasted a lot of time letting things come between them. He seemed to be on steady ground with his addiction. She wasn't sure jumping into marriage so soon after getting back together was a smart idea, but the more she thought about it—the more it felt right.

She sighed, trying to decide what to do since Carter was still asleep. With a smirk, she decided on a way to wake him up. She started placing soft kisses all over his chest. When she heard him moan she moved to kiss his neck but let her hands still roam around his chest.

"Can you wake me up this way every day?" He asked, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Possibly." She told him. "Hey. Open your eyes."

He did what he was told and smiled at her. "Good morning."

"Ask me." She whispered, looking him in the eyes.

"What?"

"Ask me." She repeated.

"Ask you what?" He asked with a chuckle. "Lucy, I just woke up…"

"Ask me!" She exclaimed, hoping the third time she said it he would understand what she meant. She watched the wheels in his head turning until she saw the a-ha moment. A huge smile formed on his face.

"Really?"

"Just do it." She chuckled.

"Lucy, if this is a joke, it's too early…"

"Just ask me already before I change my mind." She sighed.

"Ok." He sat up and took her hands in his. "Lucy, I love you more than anything in this world. I believe that we can be happier together than we are apart. Will you please marry me?"

She smirked. "I don't know…"

"Lucy!" He groaned.

"I'm kidding!" She laughed. "Yes."

"Yes?" He asked.

"Yes." She repeated. "I'll marry you."

"Really?"

"Yes." She chuckled before kissing him.

"Wait!" He pulled away and got out of bed. She watched him walk to his sock drawer and pull out a small, blue box. Then he came back to bed and opened the box so she could see the contents. "It isn't official without a ring."

"That's quite a ring." She marveled.

"It was my great-grandmothers'. Now it is yours." He explained, taking it out of the box and placing it on her ring finger. "There. How is that?"

She took a moment and looked at the ring on her finger and then looked at his face. "It feels perfect."


	14. Guidance

It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Fourteen

"You're sure Carter will meet us at the courthouse?" Lucy asked David through the bathroom door a few days later.

"I'm sure." David told her, starting to laugh. "Knowing him, he has probably been there all day just waiting for it to be 3pm so he can marry you."

Lucy laughed. "I wouldn't put it past him." After she said yes to his third proposal, they talked about when to get married. He wanted to do it that same day but she had to work. So they compromised and agreed to get married on the first day they both had off.

David had agreed to be their witness for the ceremony at the courthouse, and he had volunteered to help Lucy on the day. So she was at his house getting ready. It would have been nice to have Betty here in person, but getting ready in her house somehow made her feel like she was a part of the day.

"Ok, I'm ready to come out." She opened the door and came out to the hallway. "What do you think?"

"You look wonderful." David smiled.

Lucy smiled. She decided on a white, A-Line style dress that came down to her knees and had a v-neckline. It was simple and classy, yet not too over the top for a courthouse wedding. She had her hair softly curled and pinned back.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

She picked up her small purse from the table. "I think so."

They walked together to the front door but she stopped them before they left and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?" David chuckled.

"A thank you." She said.

"For what?"

"Everything." She told him. "You told Carter when he came back that you weren't sure what you would have done if I hadn't been around. Well, the same goes for me. If you hadn't been in my life, I don't know what I would've done either."

He kissed her on the forehead. "You're a hell of a woman. Carter's a lucky guy."

She smiled and gave him a hug. "Can I ask you a question though?"

"Sure."

"It's bugged me for a long time now. You knew who Carter was when you met him. So why did you become his sponsor?"

David pulled away from the hug and started to laugh. "One night, Betty told me some of your history with him. She was convinced that if you two could just have some guidance you would get back together. She believed it with her whole heart. When I ran into him at the meeting and realized exactly who he was, I thought maybe I could give him guidance about sobriety and your relationship. I thought that, combined with Betty guiding you, we might lead you two back together."

"But you didn't tell Betty."

"No." David shook his head. "I didn't. I thought she might try to talk me out of it…which she did after that disastrous dinner fiasco. She was furious, and said I had no right to be Carter's sponsor without letting him know our connection to you. She didn't think it was fair to anyone that I put you two in that situation. But then when I had a chance to explain everything she calmed down."

"Thank you for trying to give him guidance." She smiled, giving him another hug.

"Ok, enough mushy stuff. Let's go get you married."

* * *

"Carter and Knight?" The judge called from the doorway.

Carter and Lucy looked at each other and smiled. It was the same judge that married Mark and Elizabeth. "We're here." Carter said, linking arms with Lucy as they entered the room with David behind them.

"I'm Judge Thompson. I'll be performing the ceremony today. Good, you are standing exactly where you should be standing." He looked at them both. "Are we ready to begin?"

"Yeah." Carter nodded, looking at Lucy.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate John and Lucy as they enter into a marriage. Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. In marriage, two lives are intimately shared; and the blending of the two must not diminish either one. Rather, it should enhance the individuality of each partner. It should not be entered into lightly, but after much consideration. It takes work, it takes patience, and it takes time. It takes a commitment from both of you… a commitment to do whatever it takes to make your relationship thrive and not just simply survive. John, please repeat after me."

"I, John, choose you, Lucy, to be my wife/husband and partner from this day forward; to love you, to be a comfort and safe haven in your life, to hold you close, to listen deeply when you speak, to uphold you with my strength, to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to never take you for granted, and to always give thanks for your presence in my life."

Carter smiled at Lucy and repeated his vows. "I, John, choose you, Lucy, to be my wife from this day forward; to love you, to be a comfort and safe haven in your life, to hold you close, to listen deeply when you speak, to uphold you with my strength, to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to never take you for granted, and to always give thanks for your presence in my life."

"Lucy, please repeat after me." Judge Thompson.

"I, Lucy, choose you, John, to be my husband from this day forward; to love you, to be a comfort and safe haven in your life, to hold you close, to listen deeply when you speak, to uphold you with my strength, to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to never take you for granted, and to always give thanks for your presence in my life."

Lucy took a deep breath and smiled as she repeated her vows. "I, Lucy, choose you, John, to be my husband from this day forward; to love you, to be a comfort and safe haven in your life, to hold you close, to listen deeply when you speak, to uphold you with my strength, to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to never take you for granted, and to always give thanks for your presence in my life."

"Do you have rings today?" Judge Thompson asked.

"Here you go." David said, handing them over.

"Thank you." He took Lucy's ring and gave it to Carter. "Take this ring and place it on Lucy's finger as you repeat after me. This ring I give as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed."

Carter winked as he slid the ring on her finger. "This ring I give as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed."

Judge Thompson gave Lucy the other ring. "Lucy, take this ring and place it on John's finger as you repeat after me. This ring I give as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed."

Lucy slid the ring on his finger. "This ring I give as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed."

"By the power vested in me by the state of Illinois, it is my pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Judge Thompson smiled.

Carter didn't hesitate to embrace Lucy and place a slow kiss on her. "We did it." He whispered.

She didn't say anything, instead she just gave him another, shorter kiss.

David pulled out his phone and walked to Judge Thompson. "Could you please take a picture of the three of us?"

"Of course." Judge Thompson agreed.

After the picture was taken, Carter took a picture with Lucy and David. Lucy took a picture of Carter and David. And then David took dozens of pictures of Carter and Lucy.

They soon found themselves back out in the hallway.

"So, you guys are married now." David smiled. "How does it feel?"

"Weird." They both said at the same time.

David laughed, then pulled something out of his pocket. "I know you don't get much of a honeymoon right now. So I got you a suite at the Waldorf-Astoria for the night."

"You didn't have to do that!" Lucy protested.

"I know, but you guys deserve some kind of celebration." David explained, giving the envelope to Carter.

"Thank you." Lucy said, giving David a hug.

"Yes, thank you." Carter nodded.

"Do you want to go to dinner with us?" Lucy offered.

"No." David laughed. "You guys should be alone. We can celebrate another night."

"Ok." Lucy said, going back and grabbing Carter's hand.

"I'll see you newlyweds later." David said with a wave before he left.

Carter looked over at Lucy. "We should go check out this suite."

"You read my mind." She grinned.

* * *

Several hours later they were both in white, fluffy robes and finishing up dinner in their suite. Lucy was done but she was waiting for Carter to finish his baked potato. A few moments later she saw him place his napkin on the table.

"Will you dance with me, Mrs. Carter?" He asked, offering her his hand.

She giggled, still not used to the name. "There's no music."

"I can fix that." He went over and picked up his phone. It only took him a moment to connect it to the stereo system in the suite. Soon a slow beat filled the room.

 _Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_

 _Call it quits, call it destiny_

 _Just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

Carter came over and held out his hand for her. She took his hand and let him lead her to an empty area of the suite. She felt his arm wrap around her waist and she snuggled in as close as she could, laying her head on his chest.

 _We had a good thing going lately_

 _Might not have always been a fairytale_

 _But you know and I know that they ain't real_

 _I'll take the truth over the story_

"I love you." She said as they danced.

"I love you too." He said.

 _You might've tried my patience lately_

 _But I'm not about to let us fail_

 _I'll be the wind picking up your sail_

 _But won't you do something for me?_

"I can't believe we got married." She chuckled.

"Are you happy?" He asked, pulling back just enough so he could see her face.

"I am." She smiled. "I just honestly wasn't sure this would ever happen."

 _Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_

 _Call it quits, call it destiny_

 _Just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

"I know what you mean." He agreed.

"Are you happy?" She asked with a smile on her face.

"I don't think I could be any happier."

 _Coming and going, inside out, back to front_

 _All tangled and messy, that's how we've been and_

 _We'll always be, and that's alright with me_

 _Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be_

 _Call it quits, call it destiny_

 _Just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Try, try, just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Try, try, just because it won't come easily_

 _Doesn't mean we shouldn't try_

 _Song Credit: Easily by Bruno Major_

A/N: Well that is a wrap on this story! Hope you enjoyed it! I have another one coming out soon, called "The Things That Keep Us Apart". Thanks for reading!


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